Sunday, 26 January 2014

Exercise, Pampering, Coffee and Films - My Good Things in Life.

For once I can genuinely say I've had a lovely day! From what could have turned out to be me moping about all day in some miserable state, I managed to perk up my mood and make sure I was happy. I've realised that only I can truly make a change and if I'm not willing to help myself then I can't seriously expect anyone to help me. 

I initially didn't have all that great of a start. I planned to get up and go to an express Zumba (45 mins) but after going to bed at half 4 in the morning, I think it was pretty safe to say I wasn't going to be making a 9am Zumba class! So luckily I did cancel my place the night before but still set my alarm thinking if I woke up and still wanted to go I'm sure there would have been a space. Either way, when the alarm went off my head was pounding! I had no intentions of getting ready to go to the class. Which I will admit I knew I'd be upset about later on. But I knew for my own health sake I was better off sleeping! So that's exactly what I did. Even when my alarm later went off I still had a headache though. So again I slept for a little bit longer, and longer and yet the headache was still not there. Brilliant. Something was telling me this wasn't sleep related. But being the stubborn person I am I decided rather than taking some painkillers that instead I would sulk. As per. 

Thank god I got my act in gear. After my Mum rung me at about half 12 I decided enough was a enough and I needed to stop driving myself into a depressive state. After a quick call I decided I should at least fix my eyelashes and consider an action plan for the day. This began with some form of exercise. My legs ached, my head hurt but got to say doing Jillian's good old 30 Day Shred always make me feel better. I may hate the thought of enduring squat jumps. rock star jumps and the whole thing really but there's nothing better than finishing it. Although what I don't get is that even though I still feel like I'm working out I don't get the whole 'OMG I'm absolutely dying' feeling anymore. Now this can either mean my fitness has improved (unlikely) or I'm not putting in as much effort (more likely). But anyway normally I'd feel disappointed and feel the need to find more exercise to do. But being good as I know I need to put on weight I refrained myself and told myself it WAS enough! 

To distract myself I then got into contact with a friend who's training to be a masseuse. She asked me if I'd be a case study for her, which of course (even though it's an extreme hard ship having to receive a free full body and Indian head massage) that I would do it! Got to say it was exactly what I needed! I completely relaxed and considering over the last few days I've had aching shoulders, which I'm not sure if it was stress/sleeping dodgy/Body Pump/all 3 related. Was the perfect fix! I could literally feel the tension leaving them and was so nice just shutting off and having me time. Plus being friends with her always helps because we then got to have a good old chat afterwards. Including a trip to Costa for a coffee! Massage and Coffee! My day was getting better!

I couldn't believe that it was actually 6pm by the time I got in. Although I was quite happy that it was evening and time to sit and enjoy some Sunday evening TV entertainment. You can always rely on a channel having a film on and I love it even more when it's one I haven't seen before. Got to say I did enjoy watching Mirror, Mirror. Yes I'm still a child at heart. 

Just goes to show I suppose sometimes the littlest things can make a good night, Exercise, Pampering, Coffee and Films seem to work for me.

Emily x

Tuesday, 21 January 2014

The Gym Flipped Up

Hello everybody,

Just thought I'd share a little video that has actually made me smile just because it plays on stereotypes so well! My friend (who is a fitness instructor) posted this on their Facebook page and after watching it I can certainly say it's very fitting for anybody who has ever been in a gym or even if you have the imaginary vision from things you've seen in films and on telly! It's certainly comical and even though I've not personally (or at least I don't think I have) been subject to these stereotypes I most definitely know people who do. Have a watch and I'm sure you'll agree...

Hope this made you smile. Although it might be just because I'm a complete and utter fitness addict that this amuses me so much. I dunno.

Emily x

Friday, 17 January 2014

When is enough ever enough?

I feel like I really am losing my mind. I'm realising it more and more how obsessive I am and just how bad it's getting. For the past few weeks I thought my exercise addiction was coming under control. I started getting contempt with just doing 10 minute spurts of workouts that often weren't even making me out of breath. I guess part of that is due to having quite a high fitness level but still you think I might get a little bit hot. Well maybe even if I do I pass it off as the heating, but then again I think that is the case seeing as I live in what can only be described as a home sauna! The best thing is at the time of night I choose to exercise in Leeds at home as well, my room's at it's optimum heat (due to having the radiator and heater at it's peak and on all day) so it's also ridiculously hot too!

But anyway more to the point. I was slowly getting better. If I think back to just a few months ago unless I'd done at least an hour of cardio or equivalent plus Body Pump 4 days in a week I wasn't satisfied! So to now only be doing so little exercise was good for me! I even convinced myself in my head that my body wasn't physically able to complete Jillian Michael Workout 3 30 Day Shred. Even though I know I can, but it was my way of convincing myself to do less exercise. So it would seem that I was really getting over this addiction. Or so I thought.

Well that's until the last few days. I'm realising now that I'm still just as obsessed I'm just not actually doing as much. Yet this is just making me upset and angry. With myself. All because I don't believe I've done ENOUGH exercise. When in reality I've done a perfectly adequate amount for maintaining a normal level of fitness and in comparison to some people far more than they could ever imagine. 

I mean for example today I had planned to do what I call 'light' exercise by attending a Body Pump class and an express one at that! (45 Minute rather than an hour, meaning two tracks at least are usually cut.) I planned to this and then do a 'quick' cardio style boost when I got home after my train back to Essex. (Plus my daily stretches/ab routine that I don't even include anymore as it's just habit and something I've done since I was 14). This should have been satisfactory for me. I was thinking that I would be okay. Well then a spanner was thrown in the works.

Upon arriving at the gym I went and collected my ticket from reception to prove I was booked into the class. Nothing too un-normal apart from the fact normally we can do it at self service but the machine wasn't working properly. So I queued alongside other people inquiring about their memberships plus the other girls planning on doing Body Pump. Then after getting my ticket I strolled through the turn barrier, went upstairs to Studio 2, of which I could hear the instructor talking. All normal. Then just as I strolled through the doors I hear the class coordinator say to the instructor 'We're gonna have to tell them.' That's when I knew something was about to go wrong. 

They were cancelling the class! You can imagine my utmost horror at this revelation! What on earth was I going to do for exercise now?! Due to the time of the class being 12 I knew it was too late for me to enter the normal gym on my membership... not that I was really in the mood for cardio anyway. Which would have been all I would have done because for some reason in my head the only cardio machine in the gym that's even effective is a treadmill. But more to the point. I was now Body Pump less! And the gym's justification... all becasue 'Exams are on!' So hold on one minute. You're cancelling the class because Exams are on! And you haven't known about these exams for over a month!! They said that they didn't realise it was a 3 hour exam or something, but I didn't see anyone in the sports hall so I have no idea where they got that rubbish from. All I knew was they was cancelling my class and I was left without my Body Pump.

To say I was unimpressed and frustrated was nothing. So believe me I expressed my annoyance to the gym. Of which they offered me the compensation of being allowed in the normal gym even though it was out of my membership hours. You think I would have been happy with this but I think the fact that I was desperate to do Body Pump meant that anything else was going to be of disappointment to me. 

Regardless of course I accepted the gym entry. As much as I wasn't up for the gym I knew in my head that if I turned it down I'd be even angrier. So in I trotted and before I knew it, I was on a treadmill. I convinced myself to do 10 minutes and thought somehow in my head that I would have burned about 100 calories by that point. Well it turns out that was an underestimation and half! So of course I kept going and going and as I reached a goal I then set the bar further and further until I eventually stopped after half an hour and 5.35K. Not bad I suppose for someone who hasn't run that distance in a good few months! But even though this would have used to make me feel brilliant about myself. I stepped of the treadmill and still felt utterly disappointed. 

What is wrong with me? I'd just run over 5k! How could I not be happy?

I guess it's just me and no matter what I do anymore I always feel like a let down.

Emily x

Tuesday, 14 January 2014

Satin Pink Barry M Raspberry Nails Review

As a post exam treat to myself today after what can only be described as an awful experience I decided that I'd go and have a mini manicure at the local beauty salon in the Student Union. After all I felt my nails needed some sort of care after I'd bitten them to pieces in my stress, including biting off half the nail varnish I'd formally had on them! So they certainly were in a bit of a state to say the least! 

Anyway, the beautician filed my nails back into a decent shape and removed the scraps of nail polish I had on my nails previous before asking me to choose a colour to go for. To be honest I wasn't really minding what I had and was quite happy to go for anything. I asked what she recommended and she said she quite liked the current Satin coloured trend. I certainly was game and more than happy to give the trend a go, I knew I'd like it and if I didn't what's the worst to happen. I take the varnish off!

Anyway we went with a reddy pink as she said she could see I was a girly girl (sure my baby pink vest top/cardigan and necklace didn't give that away). So suggested the Barry M Raspberry Nail Paint (No.273). Got to say I love it!

Now I never actually thought about nail salons actually using the 'highstreet' brands within their stores. Usually it's some professional brand that costs an absolute fortune but Barry M is one of them brands that I've been purchasing since being a pre-teen just for home use! But I guess it just proves that sometimes you can get a decent polish for next to nothing. Plus the positive thing is now I know that I can achieve the same look at home!

I will admit that it didn't dry mega fast. And I suspect it won't be long before I notice a chip but when you pay £2.99 for a bottle a little touch up won't hurt!

What do you think of the Satin Nail trend? Do you think any other colour would have been better?

Emily x

Image Source: 
1) Original Image

Monday, 13 January 2014

Happy girly.. yes really!

Well for once I can say I'm happy! Yes you did read that right I'm happy! You're probably thinking, how on earth is that possible? Has she actually lost it? This surely can't be the same girl writing the post! Well rest assured it's me. I genuinely am in a good mood! Now everything in my mind food and exercise wise, plsy work wise (uni) should be making me the complete opposite but for once I just don't care! 

I think it's all down to the fact I've got myself a brand new job!! I never knew such a little thing would really bring my mood up and now I have so much more positivity! I feel like my life is finally starting to get back in order! 

I had an interview this morning for Ladbrokes and really did not think I would get the job! For starters I have never in my life ever set foot in a betting office before in my life! Let alone know what to expect when I got inside one. Well obvious I'm not deluded, I know the basics of how a betting shop worked. But I never imagined it to be quite so... classy. You see in my head a betting office was purely a place old men spent their afternoon's in, watching the racing or football match. Wasting away endless amounts of money on unrealistic odds but it's of course 'gonna be a winner'. But I am pleasantly surprised to say it's nothing like that at all. In fact it's friendly and modern and the stereotypical customer (jn my head that is) isn't true at all. 

Yes of course you do still get old men and the image of the 'drunk' that will be in them, but you also get men barely older than me. Going along to watch the football like they would in a bar, except without the alcohol of course. But that's not to say you can't have tea/coffee or any soft drink of choice. And if you're anyone like me who doesn't feel the need to drink at every single opportunity, would probably actually quite like this! A social occasion, watching your favourite team/ athlete/ racer, with your mates (or even just chatting with others in there) and actually appreciating your television viewing as you're not getting yourself hammered in the process!

Plus the inside of the store, visually is nothing like I was expecting. It's modern and somewhere you'd actually want to spend a bit of time in. Comfortable stools and arm chairs, large plasma screens, highly technological rolling poster boards, plus a rather plush coffee machine area! (Always something that will win me over). Plus also options to play other games that I wasn't aware of, such as using the in game/slot style machines and the tablet section connected to the Ladbrokes online site. So it seems the traditional betting office is long gone and we're now in an era of multi-media options and a variety of gaming options. And I thought this job was going to be dull and boring!

Seeing how nice it was in store made me all the more wanting to actually work there! I was thinking of it as just being a job to keep me going while at uni and hopefully not sod this one up! But after visiting a store it actually seems like somewhere I might enjoy and be able to socialize while at work. I could even end up having fun! (I bet I won't be saying that after working there for a month or two though... but we can live in hope!)

Anyway as you can probably work out! I got the job!!! I am now an official employee at one of the city centre stores in Leeds and I couldn't be happier! To think I wasn't actually even going to go to the interview either as I wasn't confident about getting the bus to where the interview was being held and came to the conclusion that I wouldn't get the job anyway so why bother? Well I'm so glad that I convinced myself to go!

Just goes to show that maybe good things do come along...

Emily x

Thursday, 9 January 2014

Crunchy Nut Calm

Today it seems is the first day I've really actually listened and made any progress. By this I mean eating wise. I seem to finally have got my act together. Let me explain.

Those of you that have read my blog before will know that I have an eating disorder. I'm not anorexic in the sense that I starve myself or restrict my calories to ridiculous numbers. But I do monitor and limit my food. I'm also very OCD about the times that I will eat and any change in my routine either sees me throwing a tantrum or becoming extremely panicky. Usually resulting in me getting myself all wound up, upset and stressed out! It's more when it's impulsive as well that I seem to get even worse.

Now today I actually in a way beat my fear. (Kind of anyway) and it's all thanks to Kellogg's Crunchy Nut Chocolate! You see for some reason today I just cannot stop eating this! It all started when out of the blue, this morning at about 12pm I decided impulsively that I would take a couple of the chocolate pieces out of the cereal box. Okay I would usually feel a little guilty but would get over it and assume that I would just add these on with something else I knew I would be eating later on that day. But for some unknown reason I then had some of the actual Crunchy Nut cereal as well. I then decided later on in the evening that because I'd eaten about 10 grams of the cereal I might as well use up some of my snacks allowance on having a full portion of the cereal. So after weighing this out I then put it in a bowl and planned to have it as part of my snacks (usually eaten from about quarter to 2 in the morning onwards.

But for some reason after doing a Jillian Michael's with my Mum (which I only did Level 2 of!) so not challenging at all!!! (And I'm not being sarcastic.. for once!) I decided I was actually going to eat the cereal portion then! And I didn't feel too bad about it either! This was after me panicking over so many stupid things earlier on in the day such as the fact I'd been out for a coffee with my Mum and aunt at lunch! You're think nothing unusual there then, well you're right! /But for some reason I had a little worry because I knew I was going out with my Nan and Grandad later on it that day too! Usually this involves a coffee as well! But I accepted in my head it's okay, even if you have two skinny cappuccinos you'll be fine. As it turns out, me and the Grandparents never ended up going for coffee in the end anyway! So that was a little worry over nothing!

But then I also got stressy over dinner! You see I had planned to have Chicken with my Mum and Dad as it needed using up. Then my Mum decided she wanted to put a marinade on hers so was looking at the sauces and packet mixes. For some reason I had a stress out over this too as the packet said for 4 chicken breasts and we would have been using three and I then couldn't automatically work out the nutrition! OMG what has my life become?! But anyway I then managed to get over that, once I spent ages trying to work it out and eventually realising the marinade wouldn't even be coming to 60 calories! 

So it makes you wonder how I didn't stress out over eating a ridiculously high fat cereal! Especially as the fact that I just couldn't stop and kept going back for more and more! I think the reason maybe I've dealt so well with accepting it is partly because I know deep down I do need to gain weight! Plus I need to get the doctors/uni/society of my back! But also because I've insisted in my head that I didn't eat as much as I did. You see for once I never weighed it! Truth be told I think eating it straight from the box was the best thing as now I've just had to estimate! And I know on my tracker I would have been underestimating... by quite a lot. Partly because I wanted to make myself eat more and I knew this would be the only way of conquering my fear. But also I think I knew this wasn't going to hurt me! In fact it will probably barely impact my body at all. Even if it does it will be good for it! I need to gain weight!

I think I'm only just realising how much I do and the warning from uni has been the kick up the bum I need!

Let's hope nothing makes me fall back. Which we all know is all too common. Especially in me.

Emily x

Thursday, 2 January 2014

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

All I can say is today has been a day of what only can be described as ups and downs. I feel like for everything that went right there was always a negative side to it. Or at least that's how it feels in my head anyway. Let me explain.

It kinda carried on from yesterday really. You see I don't know why, well I thought I kind of did but I'm sure my poor eating habits aren't the only thing to blame. But anyway whether it was that alone, the fact I'm suffering a bit from insomnia and the fact I may still slightly be in New York time. But anyway I was up all night. And when I mean all I mean I was awake until at least quarter past 6! That's without dozing or even yawning for the most part! I'm talking so wide awake I could have probably gone for a full on 5k run! So this was obviously not good at all! Especially when I'd planned to get up at a more sensible time so that I could actually start on my dossier

I bet you can guess what came next now then. You're thinking 'Ahh so she's gonna go on a rant about how she ended up procrastinating and not doing any work all day'. Well in one way yes you're right. But I did in fact start watching my BBC clips! Wait for it.... at 5 in the morning! I guess I finally did something sensible in my life for once. I used my time productively! If I wasn't going to sleep then I might as well do something half beneficial. Plus I think I kind of secretly hoped it would bore me so much I'd fall asleep!

Well after watching a whole hour, I was surprisingly still wide awake. But at least I was yawning and felt like I might finally get some sort of sleep! Which to my joy I did at quarter past 6ish! So not only before I'd technically even woken up, started my dossier work and did get some sleep! Plus it got even better! My Mum booked me in to a Body Pump class for this evening! This day should have been amazing!!

But was it? Well not all of it. I won't exactly say it was the worst day, because believe me it certainly wasn't! By my standards it was pretty good! But of course there is always something that had to go wrong. 

Well you could say the fact I then never got up again until half 12 was partly to do with that. Which only happened because my Nan rung asking when I wanted to go shopping. (I'd asked them the day before to take me into Basildon so I could take a coat back and I was secretly hoping for a trip to Starbucks! What a girl needs her caffeine fix! And.. I'm only 4 stars from being a Gold Member! Yes I do drink that much coffee!) 
Tragus Piercing!!!

So you're still thinking the reason I'm saying I had a bad day is because I clearly haven't done the work I set out to do. Which yes is the honest answer. I had a lovely time shopping, not only did I successfully return my coat with no problems, I also got my Starbucks. Okay admittedly I was actually a little disappointed in my Starbucks as it just didn't taste as good as it normally does. But that still was no worry. And guess what.. I even faced my fears and got my tragus pierced! At sodding last! I only went up to Bananas to enquire a price, expecting them to say something expensive and ridiculous but when they said £15 and my Nan offered to pay I knew I did have to have it done. Or else I knew I never would! And I've got to say I love it! Yes it hurt, yes it required me to eat something before I got it done! (And I did it, as much as I protested at first) But I did it!

So not even that brought be down! I mean I then had a brilliant Body Pump class! Which I cannot wait to brag to a certain someone about as soon as the opportunity arises! With a secret smugness that I managed to up my squat weight too! And without having done it in about 3 weeks! Ahh everything was going to well! 

I  guess it all really came down to my lack of motivation to work! I know I need to do it and I just can't. I feel like a failure every time I try and that's why it's the ugly! The ugly is the state that my mindset is in! The fact I can't bare to even begin my work. It's now only 10 days till it's due in and I still haven't even really started. (Until I put pen to paper it doesn't count!) 

I just need some motivation. Something to force me to. But nothing will! I could be in an empty room with absolutely nothing else and still would find myself doing something else than the work!

Why am I so useless?!!! Or more to the point, why will I never let myself have a day where I'm happy?

Emily x

Wednesday, 1 January 2014

Day One and I'm already a failure.

So it's Day One of a New Year. One that I hope for not only my own sake, but for the sake of everyone who is unfortunate to encounter me in this upcoming year. Be far better than the last! I have so many aspirations and dreams that I really do want to achieve. But at the moment, ever the pessimist, I cannot see a single one of them working out. Want to know why? Because I've already failed. I can't even stick to one single promise to myself. It's Day One for gods sake and I can't even do that! 

I mean today I planned on actually getting started on my dossier that I need to do for uni. I set myself a target to watch at least four hours of news. This is the start of the news that I've been telling myself for the past two weeks I was going to watch everyday. Did I do it? Of course not. I procrastinated. The one thing I can actually excel in! Why do I not have a degree or job in it? Believe me, I would be the most fantastic procrastinator ever! 

I should have known this was how my day would turn out to be truthful. It was destined from the minute I woke up at 10:30am, then 11am, then 11:20am and so on and so on until I eventually dragged myself out of bed at 12:45pm! What is wrong with me?!!! To think at the start of 2013 I was the person that would be up at 7:30am without fail. Now that time doesn't even exist as far as I'm concerned. Unless of course I'm still awake from the night before because I've forgotten to sleep! Well I say forgotten, more likely the fact that I can't sleep because I'm on an energy rush after still eating at about half 3 in the morning!

But anyway the fact that I didn't get up until nearly 1pm may have contributed to my lack of work. That and the fact I then decided I'd start watching one of the most ridiculous films of my life courtesy of BBC called 'Gangsta Granny'. It was poor by all accounts, yet I still found myself watching it over the thought of doing work. Plus I still kind of had in my head that I would begin watching the shows later. So anyway by the time that had finished it was about quarter past two and this is the moment my Mum says she was finally getting dressed and we could go to Sports Direct and get me some new fitness trainers. Of course I wasn't going to refuse this offer. A chance to get out of the house, go shopping and probably get a coffee! (Of which I very much enjoyed I may add. I mean come on, it was my first Costa Cappuccino of the year!) 

But back to the point. See even writing this I get distracted! I think it's just now embedded in my genetic makeup. Another reason I am now excusing as to why I'm such a failure in life forever. Eurgh I really do hate myself. 

Anyway, after a coffee with my very lovely mother, and deciding that I'll just be better off ordering new fitness trainers online because I'm a cheapskate and know that I can get ones similar for a cheaper price. Which I may add I will not be ordering for myself because I don't feel I deserve them. Yes the sole of my trainers may be falling off but why pay out for another thing for me when glue can easily fix the ones I've got. I know I will end up ordering them eventually but I'm gonna drag it out until my Mum literally sits me down and forces me to do it. However I know she'll probably forget (I inherited my forgetfulness from her) and then I'll go back to uni and it will all be too late. Shame!

Typing this I'm realizing more and more how I'm my own worst enemy. I don't feel like I deserve anything and feel to be honest I already have far too much. I'm dreading going back to uni as I hate spending money on myself. I don't even like going food shopping as I feel I don't deserve it. I just do it because I know I have to. And even then it lands me in trouble as I hate myself so much. But that's a story for another day and hopefully something that will never happen ever again. Although I fear my lack of self control is going to limit me. Eurgh, this is making me want to drop out of uni more and more! 

I think I'm going to have to stop here as I'm making myself feel worse and worse the more I type. I know I haven't reached the end of why I've procrastinated all day but I'm sure you get the gist. In short it included a lot of social networking, reading celeb magazines, and doing my Jillian Michael's Shred. Plus watching lots of Hollyoaks that I need to catch up on from over Christmas! Let's hope somehow tomorrow I find a way to actually do some work. Otherwise I seriously might as well just become a bum for the rest of my life. 

It seems that's all I'm destined to be right now anyway. 

Emily x

Images not my own.