Crunchy Nut Calm

Today it seems is the first day I've really actually listened and made any progress. By this I mean eating wise. I seem to finally have got my act together. Let me explain.

Those of you that have read my blog before will know that I have an eating disorder. I'm not anorexic in the sense that I starve myself or restrict my calories to ridiculous numbers. But I do monitor and limit my food. I'm also very OCD about the times that I will eat and any change in my routine either sees me throwing a tantrum or becoming extremely panicky. Usually resulting in me getting myself all wound up, upset and stressed out! It's more when it's impulsive as well that I seem to get even worse.

Now today I actually in a way beat my fear. (Kind of anyway) and it's all thanks to Kellogg's Crunchy Nut Chocolate! You see for some reason today I just cannot stop eating this! It all started when out of the blue, this morning at about 12pm I decided impulsively that I would take a couple of the chocolate pieces out of the cereal box. Okay I would usually feel a little guilty but would get over it and assume that I would just add these on with something else I knew I would be eating later on that day. But for some unknown reason I then had some of the actual Crunchy Nut cereal as well. I then decided later on in the evening that because I'd eaten about 10 grams of the cereal I might as well use up some of my snacks allowance on having a full portion of the cereal. So after weighing this out I then put it in a bowl and planned to have it as part of my snacks (usually eaten from about quarter to 2 in the morning onwards.

But for some reason after doing a Jillian Michael's with my Mum (which I only did Level 2 of!) so not challenging at all!!! (And I'm not being sarcastic.. for once!) I decided I was actually going to eat the cereal portion then! And I didn't feel too bad about it either! This was after me panicking over so many stupid things earlier on in the day such as the fact I'd been out for a coffee with my Mum and aunt at lunch! You're think nothing unusual there then, well you're right! /But for some reason I had a little worry because I knew I was going out with my Nan and Grandad later on it that day too! Usually this involves a coffee as well! But I accepted in my head it's okay, even if you have two skinny cappuccinos you'll be fine. As it turns out, me and the Grandparents never ended up going for coffee in the end anyway! So that was a little worry over nothing!

But then I also got stressy over dinner! You see I had planned to have Chicken with my Mum and Dad as it needed using up. Then my Mum decided she wanted to put a marinade on hers so was looking at the sauces and packet mixes. For some reason I had a stress out over this too as the packet said for 4 chicken breasts and we would have been using three and I then couldn't automatically work out the nutrition! OMG what has my life become?! But anyway I then managed to get over that, once I spent ages trying to work it out and eventually realising the marinade wouldn't even be coming to 60 calories! 

So it makes you wonder how I didn't stress out over eating a ridiculously high fat cereal! Especially as the fact that I just couldn't stop and kept going back for more and more! I think the reason maybe I've dealt so well with accepting it is partly because I know deep down I do need to gain weight! Plus I need to get the doctors/uni/society of my back! But also because I've insisted in my head that I didn't eat as much as I did. You see for once I never weighed it! Truth be told I think eating it straight from the box was the best thing as now I've just had to estimate! And I know on my tracker I would have been underestimating... by quite a lot. Partly because I wanted to make myself eat more and I knew this would be the only way of conquering my fear. But also I think I knew this wasn't going to hurt me! In fact it will probably barely impact my body at all. Even if it does it will be good for it! I need to gain weight!

I think I'm only just realising how much I do and the warning from uni has been the kick up the bum I need!

Let's hope nothing makes me fall back. Which we all know is all too common. Especially in me.

Emily x

Feeling low and getting help...

Now I know we all have bad days but why do I seem to feel like I always have more than most? Is there something majorly wrong with me? I admit it. I failed in my aim to be positive this month. I'm sorry to all my readers. I did make you a promise and I never achieved my goal. I guess deep down I knew I wouldn't last. I think I've known it from the very off. I'm just not a positive person and tend to see the negative in everything. Which I know is wrong. I know I need to stop being so down all the time but I don't know how to stop myself from feeling like this. Well actually I do and that's why I'm going to make a change.

You must be thinking, 'she says this all the time'. Which yes I do. But this time I'm getting proper help. I thought it's best that I tell yous all first as I really don't know how this is going to effect me or what I'm going to turn out like. Let's hope for the better and I suddenly gain a new lease of life. But to be honest you never can tell. But fingers crossed it will all be good. Anyway I've actually gotten round to doing what I've known for about 8 months I needed to do. I've booked myself a doctors appointment for Tuesday and with any luck they may be able to help me stop feeling so low all the time! 

I do believe I may be depressed. Either that or I have severe anxiety/stress/OCD. Well in fact I have all of those two. Plus I know I still have eating issues as well, not so much in the sense that I've got an actual disorder but I'm still conscious. I guess it's something that I probably always will be though ever since my eating disorder when I was fourteen. But that's a whole other story. Connected to this. Possibly. The entire reason for this.Not even the slightest.

I'm hoping my going to see the doctor on Tuesday they might be able to offer me some sort of antidepressant. I know they say that antidepressants are a last resort but I really have tried everything else. I've tried counselling  I've tried hypnotherapy. I've tried herbal remedies of all kinds. I've spoken to endless amounts of people and they're not making me any better. I need something to actually give me a boost! And let's fact it, how many people in the world do actually take them? Thousands. If not millions. They're not abnormal! And I won't be abnormal for having them. If anything they will be making me normal! 

So I guess we'll just have to wait and see how I get on. I really hope they see how much I need them. It really is a case of need. Of course I will listen to their suggestions and discuss alternatives, but I really can't see any other alternative right now. So keep your fingers crossed for me!

Emily x

PS:  If anyone else is in the same situation or had similar experiences or anything. I'd really appreciate some ideas and advice. Equally I'm happy to discuss my own experiences too!

Petrol Station Confidence

Hello readers,

I'm ever so grateful that you're back once again! Or maybe this is your first time reading my blog in which case Welcome! and I hope you do like me a little! 

Anyway so again I've been doing what I seem to do best... procrastinating! It's probably why I end up stressing out so much when it comes to deadlines and the days before an exam. Which is slightly becoming more and more concerning considering in just six days time I will be sitting one :s Yes that is a 'Worry' face! Yet strangely I'm not majorly. Well I kind of am.

Oh I don't know. Put it this way I'm concerned and worried but not so much so that I'm really doing anything about it and still think that some how I'm magically going to be okay in the exam! Even though I know that's certainly not true in any way, shape or form! Maybe I should start revising a bit more? Well I certianly shouldn't be procrastinating as much as I am anyway and spending all night watching silly Youtube clips! 

Although the one I'm blogging about is amazing and will brighten up your day to say the least! I think all I can say is these people are so fun and to be able to just stand there and belt out a tune in the middle of a petrol station is beyond me! Such inner confidence and pride. I really wish I had their sort of confidence, to just not worry about what anyone else thought and just be so bold and out there. I'm jealous of them! I think inner confidence and self belief really is beautiful, especially when it's from too clearly adorable and kind hearted, innocent people as the two in this video!

Jay Leno certianly got lucky when he chose this petrol pump! Think how different this phrank could have been if he'd gotten some miserable person who refused to play along! Well anyway here's the video... I think you'll agree it's entertaining to say the least!

Told you it was good didn't I! What did you think of their rendition of 'Living on a Prayer'? Think you'd have the confidence to sing in the middle of the petrol station? I wish I did!

Emily x

Treadmill Dance Stress Relief

Hey,

I've been having one of the most stressful weeks! Deadlines on assignments are never good and certainly cause me a lot of anxiety and frustration! It seems that with me nothing can ever go smoothly. There's always something that wants to stand in my way and cause me major stress. Resulting in a not very happy bunny! So during one of my most recent outbreaks of shouting/screaming/swearing at my laptop I was actually relatively relieved to hear a little 'Bing' noise that meant I'd received an email. It meant that I could just switch to see something different. As staring at my work was doing my head in and I needed a welcome break! Even if it was just a bit of junk mail. Something to simply look at for one second and then delete. Anything was needing just to break up the constant strain of trying to figure out why I couldn't complete my work! 

Well I'm glad to say it was much better than junk mail. Much, much better than Junk Mail! It was actually an email from one of my friends who I'm always emailing like basically on a daily basis about something or another. Whether we're talking about a project or moaning about the Conditioning Class she runs because of some muck up at the gym or a newbie! But regardless I love her and her little messages always brighten up my day as she's one of them people that is permanently optimistic!  Honestly this woman is never unhappy! She is a constant ball of optimism, hope and happiness. If you need someone to help bring your mood up, she is the one to go to! So to receive a little email from her I knew my mind would be refreshed and I would be able to maybe just about smile for at least a minute! And I'm glad to say her little email certainly did that! 

Why you may ask? Did I receive a bit of gossip? Or was just a nice little message from a highly motivational friend just the answer? Well I will tell you. She actually sent me a link to a Youtube video that certainly put a smile on my face as it's just quite clever in my opinion. Basically it's a man and he combines Fitness and Dancing in a whole new way. I wouldn't say it's a workout by any stretch of the imagination, more just a creative skill! But looks fun and must have taken him forever to master! Or maybe it didn't and he's just one of them naturally talented people that just got it after a play around. Probably joking around with friends because I highly doubt the gym would have just allowed him to start doing that for health and safety reasons! Okay I know most of you will have no idea what I'm going on about still as I haven't actually posted the video. So have a look below. Once you've seen it I question you to say it's not clever/creative/ fun to say the least! 

So what do you think? Could any of you do better?

Emily x

Poor effort and forgiveness

Hello everyone,

Sorry I haven't been around much of late! I've been having a bit of a stressful time recently and just had so much on my mind that I've not even had time to think! So hence I've not been blogging as to be honest it's not been high on my list of priorities! Which is extremely poor of me. To be honest I don't even deserve a blog through my lack of effort! Let alone lovely readers like yourself. So I'd like to apologise and say a promise that I will start blogging again! I will start posting some decent posts and hopefully you'll enjoy reading them :) I just hope you can forgive me.... Please!

Emily x