Last week I wrote a blog post, basically expressing my anger at a comment someone made towards me on Twitter. Well all I can say is that was although I don't take back what I said. Because at the time it was how I was truly feeling and in a way still what I believe. Therefore I'm perfectly entitled to say it. But at the same time I wish I had never written the post. Purely because it's now made me scared to express my opinions at all. This blog was supposed to be the only place that I could truly express my views without fear or judgment, unlike other social mediums. But even this ended up causing me problems in the shape of people who were my friends now not talking to me at all. One of them even blocking me on Instagram and writing a series of tweets about me (indirect of course).
The fact this all stemmed just from my blog post, has just driven me to absolute dispair. It's made them hate me. I'm now even more alone than ever before as I have lost all connection with the girl I used to be. I think in a way having them still back at home was the only thing that reminded me of the life I used to have. Now that's well and truly gone because they clearly don't want anything to do with me anymore and I don't feel I'll ever redeem that from them.
It's made me realise I really don't have any friends. I'm completely alone. I don't really have anyone I can confine in at uni as no one will ever truly understand because they haven't known me since I was first suffering - back when I was 13. So what they see now they think is me at my worst. But it's not. Or at least not in weight wise and eating wise. Maybe not in mind wise as I'm certain I've deteriorated in those terms probably not helped by uni stress and various other factors in my life occurring over the last year but I'm better eating wise at least 70%. But no one sees that. No one believes me either. No matter how much I insist it. In fact I know my own family even dis-believe me. So why should I expect people who have known me less than two years to really understand?
I guess what I'm trying to say is I fear of having a voice. I fear of speaking as I know the rare times I do I just land myself in more trouble and maybe it's just best if I hold everything in to myself. I guess if I keep quiet and keep my thoughts unknown then the only person I can hurt is myself. And that's hardly anything new is it?
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