New Year 'Challenges'

It seems that as of late when I do find the time to actually write a post because I'm not being depressive/obsessive/anxious/ (insert whatever bad mood seems appropriate here) phase, that I'm now no longer writing a beauty blog. I know that I always write something linked to my problems and personal journey through my obsession, my confusion, my denial I guess. Which is why I feel that going into 2014 that I should at least redefine what this blog is officially categorized as. This is a personal 'recovery' blog. My so-called personal journey through overcoming my obsessions and I guess you could say illness. Or at least that's how I like to think of it. Because most illnesses CAN be overcome. And that's exactly what I want to do. I'm fed up with  it ruling my life. So I wonder if maybe this year I will actually stop it from controlling and defining who I am. 

I know it's stereotypical so I'm not going to give myself 'New Year's Resolutions' as I feel labeling it that is setting myself up for failure. So let's call them 'challenges' as they seem more realistic in a way. So these are my challenges for the year:

• To smile about at least one thing everyday. I need to remember life isn't that bad. My life isn't a constant hole of dread. I do have things to be happy about and shouldn't let all the negative things constantly rule it. 
• To start working towards what I want to achieve. I need to stop procrastinating and moaning how much of  a failure I am. By doing so I know that I will actually move closer to my goal. 
• Try and overcome my obsessions. This one I know will be the hardest. I know I will probably struggle as I'm not well. I do need help and I have a lot of fears. But if I can overcome some of them then it's a step in the right direction right?

I'm kind of afraid to write anymore as I know that my list is actually pretty endless. So if I write too many down then I will be setting myself up for failure because let's face it, nobody is superhuman.

I guess what I need to remember is that no one else can make these changes but me. So that's exactly what I intend to do. 

I hope.

Emily x

Image not my own.

Feeling low and getting help...

Now I know we all have bad days but why do I seem to feel like I always have more than most? Is there something majorly wrong with me? I admit it. I failed in my aim to be positive this month. I'm sorry to all my readers. I did make you a promise and I never achieved my goal. I guess deep down I knew I wouldn't last. I think I've known it from the very off. I'm just not a positive person and tend to see the negative in everything. Which I know is wrong. I know I need to stop being so down all the time but I don't know how to stop myself from feeling like this. Well actually I do and that's why I'm going to make a change.

You must be thinking, 'she says this all the time'. Which yes I do. But this time I'm getting proper help. I thought it's best that I tell yous all first as I really don't know how this is going to effect me or what I'm going to turn out like. Let's hope for the better and I suddenly gain a new lease of life. But to be honest you never can tell. But fingers crossed it will all be good. Anyway I've actually gotten round to doing what I've known for about 8 months I needed to do. I've booked myself a doctors appointment for Tuesday and with any luck they may be able to help me stop feeling so low all the time! 

I do believe I may be depressed. Either that or I have severe anxiety/stress/OCD. Well in fact I have all of those two. Plus I know I still have eating issues as well, not so much in the sense that I've got an actual disorder but I'm still conscious. I guess it's something that I probably always will be though ever since my eating disorder when I was fourteen. But that's a whole other story. Connected to this. Possibly. The entire reason for this.Not even the slightest.

I'm hoping my going to see the doctor on Tuesday they might be able to offer me some sort of antidepressant. I know they say that antidepressants are a last resort but I really have tried everything else. I've tried counselling  I've tried hypnotherapy. I've tried herbal remedies of all kinds. I've spoken to endless amounts of people and they're not making me any better. I need something to actually give me a boost! And let's fact it, how many people in the world do actually take them? Thousands. If not millions. They're not abnormal! And I won't be abnormal for having them. If anything they will be making me normal! 

So I guess we'll just have to wait and see how I get on. I really hope they see how much I need them. It really is a case of need. Of course I will listen to their suggestions and discuss alternatives, but I really can't see any other alternative right now. So keep your fingers crossed for me!

Emily x

PS:  If anyone else is in the same situation or had similar experiences or anything. I'd really appreciate some ideas and advice. Equally I'm happy to discuss my own experiences too!