Wednesday, 1 January 2014

Day One and I'm already a failure.

So it's Day One of a New Year. One that I hope for not only my own sake, but for the sake of everyone who is unfortunate to encounter me in this upcoming year. Be far better than the last! I have so many aspirations and dreams that I really do want to achieve. But at the moment, ever the pessimist, I cannot see a single one of them working out. Want to know why? Because I've already failed. I can't even stick to one single promise to myself. It's Day One for gods sake and I can't even do that! 

I mean today I planned on actually getting started on my dossier that I need to do for uni. I set myself a target to watch at least four hours of news. This is the start of the news that I've been telling myself for the past two weeks I was going to watch everyday. Did I do it? Of course not. I procrastinated. The one thing I can actually excel in! Why do I not have a degree or job in it? Believe me, I would be the most fantastic procrastinator ever! 

I should have known this was how my day would turn out to be truthful. It was destined from the minute I woke up at 10:30am, then 11am, then 11:20am and so on and so on until I eventually dragged myself out of bed at 12:45pm! What is wrong with me?!!! To think at the start of 2013 I was the person that would be up at 7:30am without fail. Now that time doesn't even exist as far as I'm concerned. Unless of course I'm still awake from the night before because I've forgotten to sleep! Well I say forgotten, more likely the fact that I can't sleep because I'm on an energy rush after still eating at about half 3 in the morning!

But anyway the fact that I didn't get up until nearly 1pm may have contributed to my lack of work. That and the fact I then decided I'd start watching one of the most ridiculous films of my life courtesy of BBC called 'Gangsta Granny'. It was poor by all accounts, yet I still found myself watching it over the thought of doing work. Plus I still kind of had in my head that I would begin watching the shows later. So anyway by the time that had finished it was about quarter past two and this is the moment my Mum says she was finally getting dressed and we could go to Sports Direct and get me some new fitness trainers. Of course I wasn't going to refuse this offer. A chance to get out of the house, go shopping and probably get a coffee! (Of which I very much enjoyed I may add. I mean come on, it was my first Costa Cappuccino of the year!) 

But back to the point. See even writing this I get distracted! I think it's just now embedded in my genetic makeup. Another reason I am now excusing as to why I'm such a failure in life forever. Eurgh I really do hate myself. 

Anyway, after a coffee with my very lovely mother, and deciding that I'll just be better off ordering new fitness trainers online because I'm a cheapskate and know that I can get ones similar for a cheaper price. Which I may add I will not be ordering for myself because I don't feel I deserve them. Yes the sole of my trainers may be falling off but why pay out for another thing for me when glue can easily fix the ones I've got. I know I will end up ordering them eventually but I'm gonna drag it out until my Mum literally sits me down and forces me to do it. However I know she'll probably forget (I inherited my forgetfulness from her) and then I'll go back to uni and it will all be too late. Shame!

Typing this I'm realizing more and more how I'm my own worst enemy. I don't feel like I deserve anything and feel to be honest I already have far too much. I'm dreading going back to uni as I hate spending money on myself. I don't even like going food shopping as I feel I don't deserve it. I just do it because I know I have to. And even then it lands me in trouble as I hate myself so much. But that's a story for another day and hopefully something that will never happen ever again. Although I fear my lack of self control is going to limit me. Eurgh, this is making me want to drop out of uni more and more! 

I think I'm going to have to stop here as I'm making myself feel worse and worse the more I type. I know I haven't reached the end of why I've procrastinated all day but I'm sure you get the gist. In short it included a lot of social networking, reading celeb magazines, and doing my Jillian Michael's Shred. Plus watching lots of Hollyoaks that I need to catch up on from over Christmas! Let's hope somehow tomorrow I find a way to actually do some work. Otherwise I seriously might as well just become a bum for the rest of my life. 

It seems that's all I'm destined to be right now anyway. 

Emily x

Images not my own. 

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