It's gotten to that stage where I don't even know how to describe how I'm feeling anymore. My moods are so up and down I go from being in a state of calmness, like I am right at this second, to 10 seconds later being upset, 10 seconds later - low, 10 seconds - angry, 10 seconds - scared. I think you get the idea. I just never know what to think of myself anymore. But all I know is that I am not right. I am not normal. I am no where near able to consider myself like everyone else. I am a mess. And that's being kind to myself. My god was I seriously... complimentary.. of myself!
But today I've realised a lot of things. No matter how much I tell myself that I'm trying to improve. That I'm slowly and surely getting better. That my mind is becoming more stable and my moods improving. Plus my body getting healthier too. I now know this is all one big lie. I'm lying to myself. I'm not getting better. If anything I fear that I'm going backwards. In fact I know I am. I'm becoming more ill. More ill in the head. I lack any control and the things I love are hurting me. I now fear the things I love. I now fear to be who I used to be. I am not normal. The worrying thing is. I don't know if I want to be either.
Now you may say there is nothing wrong with wanting to be an individual. But I am obsessed. And from things I'm obsessed with I now know I'm not alone. But these are the same things that are making me worse. I almost want to be worse than them. Yet at the same time better. How does this work? I guess the truth is I don't even know what I want anymore and I'm not sure if I care either. In fact the way I'm going, I don't think it will matter anyway. I'm not going to get better. Deep down I know that's the truth. It's because I know in all honesty I don't want to get better. I like the fact I'm slowly declining as it gives me a reason to accept why I'm a failure.
Everyone says to me that when I'm better my whole attitude will change. Everyone says as soon as my moods balance out, my body returns to health, that in myself I will be happier. Have a more positive outlook at life and maybe will achieve what I truly want. But thinking about it, why should I? Why should I make myself happy? I don't deserve it. And what's to say even if my 'mind' magically does improve to 'normal' that I will actually be happier and not a failure. Maybe the only true way for me to achieve anything is to change what I want to achieve. And I know that the one thing I'm good at is being miserable, upset, low, and obsessive. So why not specialize in that? But of course this doesn't make me happy either. The opposite in fact.
I feel I'm not even making sense. But I think that's because I don't even make sense to myself. I have no control over my life anymore. I am being controlled. By a force that is twisted and telling me that I'm a mess. My mind is one big blur and a constant state of confusion. I know what I should do to really help myself but I refuse to allow myself that help. I don't deserve help and maybe I like not being helped. Maybe I like the sense of constantly being a let down. At least if I'm disappointed in myself it makes it all the easier for other people to be disappointed in me too.
I realise this post is extremely negative. I never intended to be so negative. Not this week. I planned for any blog posts this week to be one of my strength and recovery. Seeing as it's National Eating Disorder Awareness week and I wanted to be able to write about how well I've done to overcome such a serious mental illness. But even if I don't see it as bad a mental illness as I had before and see other mental problems being more of the cause, as much as others say it's just an eating problem. I know I'm not well. If I was really well I wouldn't have the sense of self loave in me. I wouldn't be as obsessive with my eating times. I wouldn't love exercise so much that if I don't do it I hate myself to the point I find it hard to eat. Well I don't. Which is all the more problem as I won't let myself eat before I've decided it's the appropriate time. So if I betray this I feel I let myself down and then resent myself. So I guess this is a form of an eating disorder.
So I think we've concluded I'm not sound in the head. I'm not getting any better and if I'm honest I don't want to either. I like being the one that people look at with despair. Otherwise I'd simply fade into the background and have no excuse for being the state and mess I am. So no I'm not recovered and no I have no intentions of dramatically changing. I guess eventually I'll get what's coming to me and will eventually disappear. Which by then I'll be simply known as the girl who refused to be helped.
Emily x
Image Source: http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/when-are-you-due.html
So it's Day One of a New Year. One that I hope for not only my own sake, but for the sake of everyone who is unfortunate to encounter me in this upcoming year. Be far better than the last! I have so many aspirations and dreams that I really do want to achieve. But at the moment, ever the pessimist, I cannot see a single one of them working out. Want to know why? Because I've already failed. I can't even stick to one single promise to myself. It's Day One for gods sake and I can't even do that!
I mean today I planned on actually getting started on my dossier that I need to do for uni. I set myself a target to watch at least four hours of news. This is the start of the news that I've been telling myself for the past two weeks I was going to watch everyday. Did I do it? Of course not. I procrastinated. The one thing I can actually excel in! Why do I not have a degree or job in it? Believe me, I would be the most fantastic procrastinator ever!
I should have known this was how my day would turn out to be truthful. It was destined from the minute I woke up at 10:30am, then 11am, then 11:20am and so on and so on until I eventually dragged myself out of bed at 12:45pm! What is wrong with me?!!! To think at the start of 2013 I was the person that would be up at 7:30am without fail. Now that time doesn't even exist as far as I'm concerned. Unless of course I'm still awake from the night before because I've forgotten to sleep! Well I say forgotten, more likely the fact that I can't sleep because I'm on an energy rush after still eating at about half 3 in the morning!
But anyway the fact that I didn't get up until nearly 1pm may have contributed to my lack of work. That and the fact I then decided I'd start watching one of the most ridiculous films of my life courtesy of BBC called 'Gangsta Granny'. It was poor by all accounts, yet I still found myself watching it over the thought of doing work. Plus I still kind of had in my head that I would begin watching the shows later. So anyway by the time that had finished it was about quarter past two and this is the moment my Mum says she was finally getting dressed and we could go to Sports Direct and get me some new fitness trainers. Of course I wasn't going to refuse this offer. A chance to get out of the house, go shopping and probably get a coffee! (Of which I very much enjoyed I may add. I mean come on, it was my first Costa Cappuccino of the year!)
But back to the point. See even writing this I get distracted! I think it's just now embedded in my genetic makeup. Another reason I am now excusing as to why I'm such a failure in life forever. Eurgh I really do hate myself.
Anyway, after a coffee with my very lovely mother, and deciding that I'll just be better off ordering new fitness trainers online because I'm a cheapskate and know that I can get ones similar for a cheaper price. Which I may add I will not be ordering for myself because I don't feel I deserve them. Yes the sole of my trainers may be falling off but why pay out for another thing for me when glue can easily fix the ones I've got. I know I will end up ordering them eventually but I'm gonna drag it out until my Mum literally sits me down and forces me to do it. However I know she'll probably forget (I inherited my forgetfulness from her) and then I'll go back to uni and it will all be too late. Shame!
Typing this I'm realizing more and more how I'm my own worst enemy. I don't feel like I deserve anything and feel to be honest I already have far too much. I'm dreading going back to uni as I hate spending money on myself. I don't even like going food shopping as I feel I don't deserve it. I just do it because I know I have to. And even then it lands me in trouble as I hate myself so much. But that's a story for another day and hopefully something that will never happen ever again. Although I fear my lack of self control is going to limit me. Eurgh, this is making me want to drop out of uni more and more!
I think I'm going to have to stop here as I'm making myself feel worse and worse the more I type. I know I haven't reached the end of why I've procrastinated all day but I'm sure you get the gist. In short it included a lot of social networking, reading celeb magazines, and doing my Jillian Michael's Shred. Plus watching lots of Hollyoaks that I need to catch up on from over Christmas! Let's hope somehow tomorrow I find a way to actually do some work. Otherwise I seriously might as well just become a bum for the rest of my life.
It seems that's all I'm destined to be right now anyway.
Emily x
Images not my own.
What is wrong with me? Well I could name a lot of things actually but the one thing that I'm talking about is constantly eating! Okay at the moment this is fine. It's good in fact! If anything I should be eating 24/7 and trying to put on loads of weight! But it's the fact I'm eating when I'm not hungry then feeling really bad about it later as it's a waste of food I could have had at a later time! To most people this is ridiculous! If you want to eat something you should right? Well my head is still too messed up for that right now! I wind myself up because it's like I have a lack of self control. If something is in front of me I just feel the need to eat it whether I actually wanted it or not! Which at the moment as I said is probably not all that much of a bad thing. What concerns me is the fact that I know I won't be able to stop when I am at a normal weight! I have this fear that I'm just going to continue being like this and end up huge. I don't do enough exercise to warrant the amount I eat!
Eurgh I hate the fact I think like this! When will these thoughts stop!?
Emily x
