Do they mean well or just think they know it all?

Hello,

Now strangely for me I was having a reasonably okay day. Nothing majorly exciting had happened, nor had anything particularly bad happened. It started off with what should have made it difficult for me as I was made to start work at 9am rather than my usual 12pm which meant not only an early start but a change to my exercise schedule. But yet I didn't let this get to me. Even when I missed my planned later Body Pump session in the evening because I fell asleep! Yet I still wasn't that upset! Okay yes I had done Level's Two and Three of Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred so I had my exercise fix but  my exercise addiction tells me it's crucial to do Body Pump as well. But I'm slowly learning I don't need to and there's always tomorrow! (I'm actually quite proud of myself for being able to write that! Let's just hope I keep that saying in my head the next time I miss a session.)

Another thing that should have really wound myself up is that after agreeing to finally have a coffee with my friend Fe (Conditioning instructor at the Gym). You see she can only do Monday's and where I'm always usually working the 12pm-5pm shift at work I can't normally fit this in! So for once I saw my early finish of 2pm to be the perfect opportunity to finally have a long overdue catch up with her! Of course you can probably guess what was coming... she cancelled. I almost knew it straight from the text she sent me first thing this morning saying she 'might' be going shopping with her friend. Then her Mum needed to be taken into town and plus she said she had problems with low energy due to having a bad day yesterday and meditation not working or some other long winded reason that I've lost all ability to keep up. I wish sometimes people would just be striaght sometimes and say they don't fancy meeting up. But you know what I didn't let this bother me either and just used it as an excuse to go home. I really did not want to let anything bring me down!

Even the fact that I had the most unproductive evening of my life didn't phase me. You think having come home from work at two, finished all my exercise for the day by half three and watched all the TV I wanted to catch up with by four. I would have been more productive with the mountain of uni work I had. Well as you can guess of course I've done basically none of it. I just didn't have the motivation to do it, and chose the option of sleep instead. After all I chose the 'health' benefit option. Well that and then choosing to watch Hollyoaks, tomorrows Hollyoaks, rest a little more, Eastenders and then any other program that could act as a distraction. Oh well, it will get done. Maybe not when I would have liked it done by, but I certainly will make sure it's done tomorrow!

So why am I now upset? Well I guess it's all over one little comment. Yes that really is all it takes to really wind me up. I hate how I let this things get to me but I think it was the combination of what they said, who said it and the fact that someone else passed judgment on it. All when they don't truly understand my situation. Okay let me explain.

Earlier this evening I wrote a tweet reading: 'Don't understand why I feel constantly so drained of energy! :(' A simple tweet expressing that I was feeling particularly tired today and do tend to reach a slump of energy at some point most days. But then again this isn't something overly unusual. I'm sure many of you can say you've had the exact same feeling before. Plus I know exactly why I'm feeling tired. 

1. I was up early this morning and went to bed late too. As per but still it's def a major reason. 
2. I'd been at work all day, and on days I'm not at work I'm at uni. If not both! So I'm constantly on the go!
3. I had done 40 minutes of 30 Day Shred today and that was with having been at work since crack of dawn and only had one cup of black instant coffee! Therefore hadn't had my caffeine fix either really!

So is it any wonder why I was feeling tired?! Yet everyone always decides what the reason is for me it seems. And it's constantly to do with my weight. How many times do people want to interfere?!!!! Yes, I'm well aware I'm far too skinny and underweight! But that is not the reason I am tired! So to receive a tweet reply reading: 'you don't eat enough Hun food is fuel for your body xx'. I'm sorry. What?! Who do they think they are? For starters, how do they know what I eat? They don't know my situation, especially when the person who wrote it isn't even a friend. It was my friend's Mum! Yes you read that right, her Mum! My own Mum would never dream of writing to my friends. Let alone a response like that! I think even if my own freind had written it I would be more understanding but no! How dare they accuse me of not eating enough! 

Okay on the surface yes I probably do look like I starve myself, but I don't! I eat, a lot! Enough to maintain weight at least and that's considering I do exercise daily! Alright I know I should be eating to gain, and some days I do! But I'm by no means trying to keep my weight low on purpose. I'm not dieting. I'm not restricting. I'm eating! And often enjoying it too! So the fact they had the cheek to make a judgment when they don't even know me really is the frustrating part! Plus it's the fact that people just seem to make assumptions about me just from a photograph. (This woman last saw me in the Summer) So they don't know what I'm like now, or my state of mind!

To make matters worse I then noticed that another friend from when I was in secondary school and haven't seen since about two years ago then 'Favourited' my friend's Mum's tweet! Like she was in support of what they had said. Almost suggesting that they think I have a problem as well. This led to my anger being heightened even further and my fury inspire this long winded blog post having a rant yet again. Plus it also saw me quickly make a sharp response to my friend's Mum saying: 'I do eat enough! The reason I'm so tired is because I'm constantly on the go and always busy juggling uni and a 20hr week job!' I feel they should consider other reasons and not just jump to their first conclusion and immediatly think they're right! 

Okay I know they probably didn't mean any harm. They probably just want me to be better and see me back at full health. But it irritates me how people assume they know best when in fact they don't know me at all. They don't know me. They don't know my situation and they certainly don't know what goes on in my head. Nor my lifestyle! So sometimes I think people need to consider what they say and not jump to immediate conclusions without considering other options too. 

Although I certainly know I can make up my mind before knowing all the facts. I guess in a way it's going to make me think before always just assuming things, so at least I've learnt from this. Also it makes me all the more determined to prove them wrong! Let's hope they learn their lesson too.

Emily x

The Gym Flipped Up

Hello everybody,

Just thought I'd share a little video that has actually made me smile just because it plays on stereotypes so well! My friend (who is a fitness instructor) posted this on their Facebook page and after watching it I can certainly say it's very fitting for anybody who has ever been in a gym or even if you have the imaginary vision from things you've seen in films and on telly! It's certainly comical and even though I've not personally (or at least I don't think I have) been subject to these stereotypes I most definitely know people who do. Have a watch and I'm sure you'll agree...

Hope this made you smile. Although it might be just because I'm a complete and utter fitness addict that this amuses me so much. I dunno.

Emily x

When is enough ever enough?

I feel like I really am losing my mind. I'm realising it more and more how obsessive I am and just how bad it's getting. For the past few weeks I thought my exercise addiction was coming under control. I started getting contempt with just doing 10 minute spurts of workouts that often weren't even making me out of breath. I guess part of that is due to having quite a high fitness level but still you think I might get a little bit hot. Well maybe even if I do I pass it off as the heating, but then again I think that is the case seeing as I live in what can only be described as a home sauna! The best thing is at the time of night I choose to exercise in Leeds at home as well, my room's at it's optimum heat (due to having the radiator and heater at it's peak and on all day) so it's also ridiculously hot too!

But anyway more to the point. I was slowly getting better. If I think back to just a few months ago unless I'd done at least an hour of cardio or equivalent plus Body Pump 4 days in a week I wasn't satisfied! So to now only be doing so little exercise was good for me! I even convinced myself in my head that my body wasn't physically able to complete Jillian Michael Workout 3 30 Day Shred. Even though I know I can, but it was my way of convincing myself to do less exercise. So it would seem that I was really getting over this addiction. Or so I thought.

Well that's until the last few days. I'm realising now that I'm still just as obsessed I'm just not actually doing as much. Yet this is just making me upset and angry. With myself. All because I don't believe I've done ENOUGH exercise. When in reality I've done a perfectly adequate amount for maintaining a normal level of fitness and in comparison to some people far more than they could ever imagine. 

I mean for example today I had planned to do what I call 'light' exercise by attending a Body Pump class and an express one at that! (45 Minute rather than an hour, meaning two tracks at least are usually cut.) I planned to this and then do a 'quick' cardio style boost when I got home after my train back to Essex. (Plus my daily stretches/ab routine that I don't even include anymore as it's just habit and something I've done since I was 14). This should have been satisfactory for me. I was thinking that I would be okay. Well then a spanner was thrown in the works.

Upon arriving at the gym I went and collected my ticket from reception to prove I was booked into the class. Nothing too un-normal apart from the fact normally we can do it at self service but the machine wasn't working properly. So I queued alongside other people inquiring about their memberships plus the other girls planning on doing Body Pump. Then after getting my ticket I strolled through the turn barrier, went upstairs to Studio 2, of which I could hear the instructor talking. All normal. Then just as I strolled through the doors I hear the class coordinator say to the instructor 'We're gonna have to tell them.' That's when I knew something was about to go wrong. 

They were cancelling the class! You can imagine my utmost horror at this revelation! What on earth was I going to do for exercise now?! Due to the time of the class being 12 I knew it was too late for me to enter the normal gym on my membership... not that I was really in the mood for cardio anyway. Which would have been all I would have done because for some reason in my head the only cardio machine in the gym that's even effective is a treadmill. But more to the point. I was now Body Pump less! And the gym's justification... all becasue 'Exams are on!' So hold on one minute. You're cancelling the class because Exams are on! And you haven't known about these exams for over a month!! They said that they didn't realise it was a 3 hour exam or something, but I didn't see anyone in the sports hall so I have no idea where they got that rubbish from. All I knew was they was cancelling my class and I was left without my Body Pump.

To say I was unimpressed and frustrated was nothing. So believe me I expressed my annoyance to the gym. Of which they offered me the compensation of being allowed in the normal gym even though it was out of my membership hours. You think I would have been happy with this but I think the fact that I was desperate to do Body Pump meant that anything else was going to be of disappointment to me. 

Regardless of course I accepted the gym entry. As much as I wasn't up for the gym I knew in my head that if I turned it down I'd be even angrier. So in I trotted and before I knew it, I was on a treadmill. I convinced myself to do 10 minutes and thought somehow in my head that I would have burned about 100 calories by that point. Well it turns out that was an underestimation and half! So of course I kept going and going and as I reached a goal I then set the bar further and further until I eventually stopped after half an hour and 5.35K. Not bad I suppose for someone who hasn't run that distance in a good few months! But even though this would have used to make me feel brilliant about myself. I stepped of the treadmill and still felt utterly disappointed. 

What is wrong with me? I'd just run over 5k! How could I not be happy?

I guess it's just me and no matter what I do anymore I always feel like a let down.

Emily x

Admittance is the key to everything... right?

Hey,

Okay there is a reason that I haven't been posting. Not only is it partly down to laziness and lack of self motivation but as you can probably guess from the last post I actually wrote I haven't been exactly in the best of places. I wrote in my last post about how I believed I was depressed and was planning on seeking medical help. Well I can happily tell you I did in fact go and see a doctor and they've put me on a course of low dose anti-depressants. And you know what. I think they're actually working! Since I've started having them my mood has significantly lifted. It's not just me who has said it either. My Mum has said I seem so much better and she's noticed a real change! Equally my Dad said he doesn't feel like I was as snappy with him anymore and was more willing to laugh and joke about things, just like I always used to.

Now I'm not saying it's a miracle cure. I've still had my low days and things do still get me down. The other day for instance. I went on a real low. I absolutely detested myself. All for the most ridiculous of reasons. Well I guess to me it's not ridiculous otherwise I wouldn't have let it bother me in the first place. But to everyone else, on the surface, it's absolutely nothing. Unless of course you're in a similar situation or have been there. You see it's one of those things that unless it's happened to you, you can never understand. No matter how much you try. Or even think you do. You can't!

You're thinking this is linked to the whole depression thing. Well I guess in a way it kind of is. But it's also linked to something that has been an ongoing problem with me for the past five years. I always thought I'd gotten better. I always thought I'd beaten this horrific illness. But I guess deep down I always knew it was still a problem and it was only going to be so long before it started to take over again. I guess secretly it's been going on for the past two years. But then when I started university and I really thought I'd finally beaten it. I really did improve. I went from being so controlling to having much less of a care. I became so much more willing to try new things and I guess everyone just couldn't be happier with my transformation. But in a way this was also my downfall. Because with that I developed new obsessions. Possibly even worse than the original ones as even though I'd beaten one demon, another was slowly emerging underneath. And really it was the same thing, just in a new form.

Yes I have an eating disorder. As much as it pains me to write that I know it's true. Now I haven't got an eating disorder in the sense I'm starving myself (like I did when I was severely anorexic at 13/14). In fact I love food. As I write this I'm sitting eating a bowl of cereal! But I know food is an issue with me. The fact I count every calorie in my body is a fine example of that. But don't get me wrong. I will happily eat really high fat treats and snacks. Today I ate a cinnamon swirl. I got my Mum to buy me a pretzel from Mr Pretzels today, two in fact! And I will eat them. Over the past few days I've even eaten croissants, pastries, chocolate, far too much cake and doughnuts! To anyone I look like I can't stop stuffing my face. But that doesn't stop me from resenting myself for it! That doesn't stop me from feeling so physically disgusted in myself for eating it. It doesn't stop my overly obsession with exercising! It hasn't changed my absolutely ridiculous eating pattern of attempting to not eat all day only so I can stuff my face all night! Only to regret it horribly when I'm awake till half 3 every night and then wonder why I'm so bloody tired all the time! Plus it makes me feel even worse when I end up snacking on something really nice but awfully bad for me at like sometimes not even lunchtime! But why do I do this to myself?!

I know I shouldn't feel guilty for eating high fat foods! I know I shouldn't feel bad for eating.... normally! I'm young. My metabolism would burn it off anyway. Plus I do exercise so it's not like the higher fat foods with lots of calories would even really effect me that much. Also I'm severely underweight! Eating a lot more and actually putting on weight will do me good! I need to! I keep telling myself that I'm trying to! But I guess really I don't. I guess really I'm not trying that hard. I may think eating all these really high fat foods are making me put on weight. But really I know I'm probably still not eating enough calories in a day to put on weight. Maintain yes. But not put on. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know I have a problem and I guess I need to admit that to ever be able to do anything about it.

Let's just hope I do.

Emily x