Okay there is a reason that I haven't been posting. Not only is it partly down to laziness and lack of self motivation but as you can probably guess from the last post I actually wrote I haven't been exactly in the best of places. I wrote in my last post about how I believed I was depressed and was planning on seeking medical help. Well I can happily tell you I did in fact go and see a doctor and they've put me on a course of low dose anti-depressants. And you know what. I think they're actually working! Since I've started having them my mood has significantly lifted. It's not just me who has said it either. My Mum has said I seem so much better and she's noticed a real change! Equally my Dad said he doesn't feel like I was as snappy with him anymore and was more willing to laugh and joke about things, just like I always used to.
Now I'm not saying it's a miracle cure. I've still had my low days and things do still get me down. The other day for instance. I went on a real low. I absolutely detested myself. All for the most ridiculous of reasons. Well I guess to me it's not ridiculous otherwise I wouldn't have let it bother me in the first place. But to everyone else, on the surface, it's absolutely nothing. Unless of course you're in a similar situation or have been there. You see it's one of those things that unless it's happened to you, you can never understand. No matter how much you try. Or even think you do. You can't!
You're thinking this is linked to the whole depression thing. Well I guess in a way it kind of is. But it's also linked to something that has been an ongoing problem with me for the past five years. I always thought I'd gotten better. I always thought I'd beaten this horrific illness. But I guess deep down I always knew it was still a problem and it was only going to be so long before it started to take over again. I guess secretly it's been going on for the past two years. But then when I started university and I really thought I'd finally beaten it. I really did improve. I went from being so controlling to having much less of a care. I became so much more willing to try new things and I guess everyone just couldn't be happier with my transformation. But in a way this was also my downfall. Because with that I developed new obsessions. Possibly even worse than the original ones as even though I'd beaten one demon, another was slowly emerging underneath. And really it was the same thing, just in a new form.
Yes I have an eating disorder. As much as it pains me to write that I know it's true. Now I haven't got an eating disorder in the sense I'm starving myself (like I did when I was severely anorexic at 13/14). In fact I love food. As I write this I'm sitting eating a bowl of cereal! But I know food is an issue with me. The fact I count every calorie in my body is a fine example of that. But don't get me wrong. I will happily eat really high fat treats and snacks. Today I ate a cinnamon swirl. I got my Mum to buy me a pretzel from Mr Pretzels today, two in fact! And I will eat them. Over the past few days I've even eaten croissants, pastries, chocolate, far too much cake and doughnuts! To anyone I look like I can't stop stuffing my face. But that doesn't stop me from resenting myself for it! That doesn't stop me from feeling so physically disgusted in myself for eating it. It doesn't stop my overly obsession with exercising! It hasn't changed my absolutely ridiculous eating pattern of attempting to not eat all day only so I can stuff my face all night! Only to regret it horribly when I'm awake till half 3 every night and then wonder why I'm so bloody tired all the time! Plus it makes me feel even worse when I end up snacking on something really nice but awfully bad for me at like sometimes not even lunchtime! But why do I do this to myself?!
I know I shouldn't feel guilty for eating high fat foods! I know I shouldn't feel bad for eating.... normally! I'm young. My metabolism would burn it off anyway. Plus I do exercise so it's not like the higher fat foods with lots of calories would even really effect me that much. Also I'm severely underweight! Eating a lot more and actually putting on weight will do me good! I need to! I keep telling myself that I'm trying to! But I guess really I don't. I guess really I'm not trying that hard. I may think eating all these really high fat foods are making me put on weight. But really I know I'm probably still not eating enough calories in a day to put on weight. Maintain yes. But not put on. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know I have a problem and I guess I need to admit that to ever be able to do anything about it.
Let's just hope I do.