The one beyond help...

It's gotten to that stage where I don't even know how to describe how I'm feeling anymore. My moods are so up and down I go from being in a state of calmness, like I am right at this second, to 10 seconds later being upset, 10 seconds later - low, 10 seconds - angry, 10 seconds - scared. I think you get the idea. I just never know what to think of myself anymore. But all I know is that I am not right. I am not normal. I am no where near able to consider myself like everyone else. I am a mess. And that's being kind to myself. My god was I seriously... complimentary.. of myself! 

But today I've realised a lot of things. No matter how much I tell myself that I'm trying to improve. That I'm slowly and surely getting better. That my mind is becoming more stable and my moods improving. Plus my body getting healthier too. I now know this is all one big lie. I'm lying to myself. I'm not getting better. If anything I fear that I'm going backwards. In fact I know I am. I'm becoming more ill. More ill in the head. I lack any control and the things I love are hurting me. I now fear the things I love. I now fear to be who I used to be. I am not normal. The worrying thing is. I don't know if I want to be either. 

Now you may say there is nothing wrong with wanting to be an individual. But I am obsessed. And from things I'm obsessed with I now know I'm not alone. But these are the same things that are making me worse. I almost want to be worse than them. Yet at the same time better. How does this work? I guess the truth is I don't even know what I want anymore and I'm not sure if I care either. In fact the way I'm going, I don't think it will matter anyway. I'm not going to get better. Deep down I know that's the truth. It's because I know in all honesty I don't want to get better. I like the fact I'm slowly declining as it gives me a reason to accept why I'm a failure. 

Everyone says to me that when I'm better my whole attitude will change. Everyone says as soon as my moods balance out, my body returns to health, that in myself I will be happier. Have a more positive outlook at life and maybe will achieve what I truly want. But thinking about it, why should I? Why should I make myself happy? I don't deserve it. And what's to say even if my 'mind' magically does improve to 'normal' that I will actually be happier and not a failure. Maybe the only true way for me to achieve anything is to change what I want to achieve. And I know that the one thing I'm good at is being miserable, upset, low, and obsessive. So why not specialize in that? But of course this doesn't make me happy either. The opposite in fact.

I feel I'm not even making sense. But I think that's because I don't even make sense to myself. I have no control over my life anymore. I am being controlled. By a force that is twisted and telling me that I'm a mess. My mind is one big blur and a constant state of confusion. I know what I should do to really help myself but I refuse to allow myself that help. I don't deserve help and maybe I like not being helped. Maybe I like the sense of constantly being a let down. At least if I'm disappointed in myself it makes it all the easier for other people to be disappointed in me too.

I realise this post is extremely negative. I never intended to be so negative. Not this week. I planned for any blog posts this week to be one of my strength and recovery. Seeing as it's National Eating Disorder Awareness week and I wanted to be able to write about how well I've done to overcome such a serious mental illness. But even if I don't see it as bad a mental illness as I had before and see other mental problems being more of the cause, as much as others say it's just an eating problem. I know I'm not well. If I was really well I wouldn't have the sense of self loave in me. I wouldn't be as obsessive with my eating times. I wouldn't love exercise so much that if I don't do it I hate myself to the point I find it hard to eat. Well I don't. Which is all the more problem as I won't let myself eat before I've decided it's the appropriate time. So if I betray this I feel I let myself down and then resent myself. So I guess this is a form of an eating disorder.

So I think we've concluded I'm not sound in the head. I'm not getting any better and if I'm honest I don't want to either. I like being the one that people look at with despair. Otherwise I'd simply fade into the background and have no excuse for being the state and mess I am. So no I'm not recovered and no I have no intentions of dramatically changing. I guess eventually I'll get what's coming to me and will eventually disappear. Which by then I'll be simply known as the girl who refused to be helped. 

Emily x

Image Source: http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/when-are-you-due.html

Maybe the best things are left unsaid..

Last week I wrote a blog post, basically expressing my anger at a comment someone made towards me on Twitter. Well all I can say is that was although I don't take back what I said. Because at the time it was how I was truly feeling and in a way still what I believe. Therefore I'm perfectly entitled to say it. But at the same time I wish I had never written the post. Purely because it's now made me scared to express my  opinions at all. This blog was supposed to be the only place that I could truly express my views without fear or judgment, unlike other social mediums. But even this ended up causing me problems in the shape of people who were my friends now not talking to me at all. One of them even blocking me on Instagram and writing a series of tweets about me (indirect of course). 

The fact this all stemmed just from my blog post, has just driven me to absolute dispair. It's made them hate me. I'm now even more alone than ever before as I have lost all connection with the girl I used to be. I think in a way having them still back at home was the only thing that reminded me of the life I used to have. Now that's well and truly gone because they clearly don't want anything to do with me anymore and I don't feel I'll ever redeem that from them.

It's made me realise I really don't have any friends. I'm completely alone. I don't really have anyone I can confine in at uni as no one will ever truly understand because they haven't known me since I was first suffering - back when I was 13. So what they see now they think is me at my worst. But it's not. Or at least not in weight wise and eating wise. Maybe not in mind wise as I'm certain I've deteriorated in those terms probably not helped by uni stress and various other factors in my life occurring over the last year but I'm better eating wise at least 70%. But no one sees that. No one believes me either. No matter how much I insist it. In fact I know my own family even dis-believe me. So why should I expect people who have known me less than two years to really understand?

I guess what I'm trying to say is I fear of having a voice. I fear of speaking as I know the rare times I do I just land myself in more trouble and maybe it's just best if I hold everything in to myself. I guess if I keep quiet and keep my thoughts unknown then the only person I can hurt is myself. And that's hardly anything new is it?

Emily x

Image Source: http://unspokenwordstoyou.files.wordpress.com/2012/11/tumblr_mb1on0htgk1qjm9bpo1_500.png?w=560

Single Girls and Cocktails

February 14th. The day that for many is symbolic of love, relationships and romance. Unless you’re single of course, then it’s more just a gentle reminder that you’re alone and haven’t got that ‘special’ someone to lavish you with attention, love and maybe a gift… or two. Some people believe it’s amazing that any singleton can even find a reason to smile on such a lovey- dovey day. Well rest assured I have found the perfect solution. This has come after many years of spending Valentine’s Day dateless and I’ve decided it’s not a reason to dwell. In fact why shouldn’t I be celebrating? After all being a single girl definitely has its perks!

Just think you don’t have the issue of getting the ‘perfect’ present for your loved one. No bother with finding and writing an emotive and heart felt message in a card. Plus you can have complete freedom of how you spend Valentine’s Day. So this year I’ve decided to make a night of Valentine’s Day. And I encourage all you other single girls out there to do the same. How am I going to do this I hear you ask? By celebrating in true single girl style and throwing a cocktail party!

I couldn’t think of anything better than inviting a few of my fellow single friends round (although those in relationships are welcome too) to enjoy a night of having fun, gossiping and knocking back a few Valentine’s themed beverages. I mean, why not? We owe it to ourselves to celebrate being us! Plus why let couples steal a day from us?

I feel a party at home is more appropriate than going out. Purely for the fact that every restaurant/bar/club/anywhere with some sort of social aspect will be full of couples. So, to avoid the heart ache and general ‘Oh bless, they’re on their own’ scenario, I feel a night in is more appropriate. Plus it will probably work out cheaper in the long run too!

You might have the issue of not knowing what cocktails to make, especially if you rely on the cocktail list at the bar to inspire you. Well worry no more as I have supplied a list of some tried and tested cocktail recipes to give you some ideas of what to indulge in (and yes they really are luxurious) this February 14th.

The Romance

This will be all you need to fall in love. Who needs a partner when you can have this little taste of heaven instead? This cocktail is very rich and sweet and the chocolate, coffee and cream mix make this the perfect combination of a drink and dessert all in one. 

Ingredients:

• 3/4 ounce Kahlua
• 3/4 ounce Bailey’s
• 3/4 ounce brown Creme de Cacao
• 1 ounce heavy cream
• Cocoa powder/chocolate sprinkles
• Marshmallows

Method:
Simply mix all the liquid ingredients together with ice before straining into a glass. Martini ones are my best recommendation. Then top with your choice of chocolaty treat. I personally like the marshmallows and chocolate sprinkles but feel free to adapt to your preference.

White Strawberry Sangria

Sangria for me is the reminder of hot summer days and being happy. So why not brighten up a dull and dreary February evening by adding a bit of that warming summer sparkle? This adaption will leave you refreshed and definitely in your happy little place.

Ingredients:

• 125ml of white wine
• 30ml strawberry Schnapps
• 1 tablespoon sugar
• 2 strawberries
• Ice

Method:
Combine the wine, Schnapps and sugar, stirring until the sugar has completely dissolved. Then slice up the strawberries into bite-sized pieces. Pour your beverage into a glass filled with ice and top with the sliced strawberries.

Raspberry and Chocolate Martini

Another chocolaty one, after all it’s only fair that us single girls get the benefits of chocolate on Valentine’s Day too! The mixture of chocolate and raspberries means this is another sweet one and it is luxurious to say the very least. But who cares, we deserve it.

Ingredients:

• 50ml vodka
• 25ml chocolate syrup
• 4 raspberries
• 1 teaspoon chocolate/cocoa powder
• Ice

Method:
Fill a shaker with all the ingredients except the chocolate powder. Shake thoroughly before straining into a martini glass. Use the chocolate powder to top as a garnish. You may wish to also add extra raspberries.

If you’re a non-drinker you don’t have to be left out either. So here is an equally indulgent mocktail to treat yourself too.

Virgin on the Beach

A non-alcoholic twist on the classic Sex on the Beach. Still equally as refreshing and fruity but without all the headache in the morning.

Ingredients:

• 30ml grapefruit juice
• 30ml cranberry juice
• 1 teaspoon coconut milk
• 180ml water
• Ice
• Choice of fruit (berries or grapes work well)

Method:
Combine all liquid ingredients plus ice and blend together until completely smooth. Pour into a glass and top with your own choice of fruit as a garnish.

Spicy Raspberry Lemon Cooler

This is for those of you who want the sophistication of a fruity cocktail but are still reminising over the days when Valentine’s Day was just a distant memory. Remember when parties were all  about the party bags and lemonade!  So here is the perfect mix to give you the best of both worlds.

Ingredients:

• 3 raspberries
• 30ml honey
• 30ml lemon juice
• 30ml water
• 200ml ginger beer
• Lemon slice

Method:
Put the raspberries, honey, lemon juice and water into a pan and boil. Then simmer the mixture for 5 minutes until the fruit has completely broken down.  After this remove from the heat and let cool before straining into an ice filled glass of choice. Then fill the rest of the glass with ginger beer and serve with a lemon slice on the side.


Emily x

Image Source:

1. http://mixthatdrink.com/romance/
2. http://www.food.com/recipe/white-strawberry-sangria-62275?scaleto=1&mode=null&st=true
3. http://uk.thebar.com/recipe/raspberry-and-chocolate--espresso-martini
4. http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Abstinence-on-the-Beach/Detail.aspx?evt19=1&scale=1&ismetric=1
5. http://www.hgtv.com/entertaining/spicy-raspberry-lemon-cooler/index.html

Original Article can be found here: http://www.hercampus.com/school/leeds/single-girls-and-cocktails

Do they mean well or just think they know it all?

Hello,

Now strangely for me I was having a reasonably okay day. Nothing majorly exciting had happened, nor had anything particularly bad happened. It started off with what should have made it difficult for me as I was made to start work at 9am rather than my usual 12pm which meant not only an early start but a change to my exercise schedule. But yet I didn't let this get to me. Even when I missed my planned later Body Pump session in the evening because I fell asleep! Yet I still wasn't that upset! Okay yes I had done Level's Two and Three of Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred so I had my exercise fix but  my exercise addiction tells me it's crucial to do Body Pump as well. But I'm slowly learning I don't need to and there's always tomorrow! (I'm actually quite proud of myself for being able to write that! Let's just hope I keep that saying in my head the next time I miss a session.)

Another thing that should have really wound myself up is that after agreeing to finally have a coffee with my friend Fe (Conditioning instructor at the Gym). You see she can only do Monday's and where I'm always usually working the 12pm-5pm shift at work I can't normally fit this in! So for once I saw my early finish of 2pm to be the perfect opportunity to finally have a long overdue catch up with her! Of course you can probably guess what was coming... she cancelled. I almost knew it straight from the text she sent me first thing this morning saying she 'might' be going shopping with her friend. Then her Mum needed to be taken into town and plus she said she had problems with low energy due to having a bad day yesterday and meditation not working or some other long winded reason that I've lost all ability to keep up. I wish sometimes people would just be striaght sometimes and say they don't fancy meeting up. But you know what I didn't let this bother me either and just used it as an excuse to go home. I really did not want to let anything bring me down!

Even the fact that I had the most unproductive evening of my life didn't phase me. You think having come home from work at two, finished all my exercise for the day by half three and watched all the TV I wanted to catch up with by four. I would have been more productive with the mountain of uni work I had. Well as you can guess of course I've done basically none of it. I just didn't have the motivation to do it, and chose the option of sleep instead. After all I chose the 'health' benefit option. Well that and then choosing to watch Hollyoaks, tomorrows Hollyoaks, rest a little more, Eastenders and then any other program that could act as a distraction. Oh well, it will get done. Maybe not when I would have liked it done by, but I certainly will make sure it's done tomorrow!

So why am I now upset? Well I guess it's all over one little comment. Yes that really is all it takes to really wind me up. I hate how I let this things get to me but I think it was the combination of what they said, who said it and the fact that someone else passed judgment on it. All when they don't truly understand my situation. Okay let me explain.

Earlier this evening I wrote a tweet reading: 'Don't understand why I feel constantly so drained of energy! :(' A simple tweet expressing that I was feeling particularly tired today and do tend to reach a slump of energy at some point most days. But then again this isn't something overly unusual. I'm sure many of you can say you've had the exact same feeling before. Plus I know exactly why I'm feeling tired. 

1. I was up early this morning and went to bed late too. As per but still it's def a major reason. 
2. I'd been at work all day, and on days I'm not at work I'm at uni. If not both! So I'm constantly on the go!
3. I had done 40 minutes of 30 Day Shred today and that was with having been at work since crack of dawn and only had one cup of black instant coffee! Therefore hadn't had my caffeine fix either really!

So is it any wonder why I was feeling tired?! Yet everyone always decides what the reason is for me it seems. And it's constantly to do with my weight. How many times do people want to interfere?!!!! Yes, I'm well aware I'm far too skinny and underweight! But that is not the reason I am tired! So to receive a tweet reply reading: 'you don't eat enough Hun food is fuel for your body xx'. I'm sorry. What?! Who do they think they are? For starters, how do they know what I eat? They don't know my situation, especially when the person who wrote it isn't even a friend. It was my friend's Mum! Yes you read that right, her Mum! My own Mum would never dream of writing to my friends. Let alone a response like that! I think even if my own freind had written it I would be more understanding but no! How dare they accuse me of not eating enough! 

Okay on the surface yes I probably do look like I starve myself, but I don't! I eat, a lot! Enough to maintain weight at least and that's considering I do exercise daily! Alright I know I should be eating to gain, and some days I do! But I'm by no means trying to keep my weight low on purpose. I'm not dieting. I'm not restricting. I'm eating! And often enjoying it too! So the fact they had the cheek to make a judgment when they don't even know me really is the frustrating part! Plus it's the fact that people just seem to make assumptions about me just from a photograph. (This woman last saw me in the Summer) So they don't know what I'm like now, or my state of mind!

To make matters worse I then noticed that another friend from when I was in secondary school and haven't seen since about two years ago then 'Favourited' my friend's Mum's tweet! Like she was in support of what they had said. Almost suggesting that they think I have a problem as well. This led to my anger being heightened even further and my fury inspire this long winded blog post having a rant yet again. Plus it also saw me quickly make a sharp response to my friend's Mum saying: 'I do eat enough! The reason I'm so tired is because I'm constantly on the go and always busy juggling uni and a 20hr week job!' I feel they should consider other reasons and not just jump to their first conclusion and immediatly think they're right! 

Okay I know they probably didn't mean any harm. They probably just want me to be better and see me back at full health. But it irritates me how people assume they know best when in fact they don't know me at all. They don't know me. They don't know my situation and they certainly don't know what goes on in my head. Nor my lifestyle! So sometimes I think people need to consider what they say and not jump to immediate conclusions without considering other options too. 

Although I certainly know I can make up my mind before knowing all the facts. I guess in a way it's going to make me think before always just assuming things, so at least I've learnt from this. Also it makes me all the more determined to prove them wrong! Let's hope they learn their lesson too.

Emily x

Is Beige the new 'IT' Colour? - Review of ELF Nail Polish in Desert Haze

In terms of longevity I will admit there are probably better makes than this one as I will admit this did chip rather easily (within two days). Even with top coat applied. Despite it's claims of being Chip resistant. Then again most nail polishes are prone to chipping these days regardless of their claims?

Regardless, for colour purposes this one is an instant hit! Plus with the cost being so cheap (I looked up the price and it's only £2.50!) So in my opinion you can't really go wrong! Plus it was mega fast drying meaning I didn't have to wait four hours before touching anything for fear of smudging a nail.

Overall Rating out of 10: 8

Colour: 9
Chip resistant: 7
Price: 9
Size of bottle: 7
Trendiness: 8

Would I buy again: Yes :D - See more at: http://www.baobella.com/forum/talkview/is-beige-the-new-it-colour-review-of-elf-nail-polish/show#sthash.tdqCl3wV.dpufIt seems that over the last month or so my love of nail polish's has come back. I went for absolutely ages without having a care in the world, generally because I became quite lazy with the constant upkeep of doing them all the time. Plus I have the problem of quite weak nails that snap all the time (probably not aided by my horrible biting habit) but also through years of wearing acrylics.It seems that over the last month or so my love of nail polish's has come back. I went for absolutely ages without having a care in the world, generally because I became quite lazy with the constant upkeep of doing them all the time. Plus I have the problem of quite weak nails that snap all the time (probably not aided by my horrible biting habit) but also through years of wearing acrylics.

However, after deciding to receive a manicure just before Christmas as a little treat to myself I've found myself trying to maintain my nail's colourful appearance. Swapping colours, repainting and generally looking out for the different nail colour trends again. Something that I haven't done in absolute forever!

It's quite nice really having something new to look out for and it's amazing how much better your nails do look when painted and looked after. It just makes you feel better as you have something nicer about yourself, especially when receiving compliments from other people about how nice they look. For me, receiving a compliment is something that instantly can brighten my day as I feel like I've taken a bit of a confidence knock as of late and seemed to receive very few anymore. So no matter how small the complement I really do appreciate them!

Anyway, as I was doing a bit of research into nail beauty trends I was browsing on Baobella and came across the competition to win one of the brand new colour's from ELF. As you can probably guess I was one of the very lucky few that did in fact get chosen! To say I was shocked would be putting it lightly! I never win anything! Plus the fact it was a new nail polish - the exact thing I visited the site for to gain new information about - was what I had won!

The wait for the nail polish to arrive was tense to say the least. All I wanted to know was what colour was I gonna get to try out. I'd seen a lot in the media about 'Beige' being the new so-called 'IT' colour and one that everyone was embracing for the spring period. So I did have a sneaky suspicion that Baobella might have been sending me one in that sort of shade. Which was confirmed when I opened my little package to find ELF nail polish in shade 'Desert Haze'. At first I questioned why it was called this, I always associated 'Desert' with yellowy tones. But then I guess when you think of it, most sand is more of a beigey colour anyway and that combined with Haze which reminds me of grey actually suits the colour quite well. (Let me know what you think too)

After my whole minute or so of deliberating the name I couldn't resist whipping out the nail polish remover to take off the previous red colour I had been sporting (in relation to the fact my work uniform is now a red top). So that I could instantly put the Desert Haze shade to good use! It would have been rude not to, don't you agree? I've got to say I'm very pleased with the shade!

In the past I never would have even considered trying such a neutral shade. I would always think either bright, bold or glitter were the only options! But I was pleasently surprised by just how much I loved the trend. It seems I weren't the only one too! I think within a day I had three people compliment me on the colour and ask what one it was! I guess beige really is the new colour trend everyone wants to embrace!

In terms of longevity I will admit there are probably better makes than this one as I will admit this did chip rather easily (within two days). Even with top coat applied. Despite it's claims of being Chip resistant. Then again most nail polishes are prone to chipping these days regardless of their claims?

Regardless, for colour purposes this one is an instant hit! Plus with the cost being so cheap (I looked up the price and it's only £2.50!) So in my opinion you can't really go wrong! Plus it was mega fast drying meaning I didn't have to wait four hours before touching anything for fear of smudging a nail.

Overall Rating out of 10: 8

Colour: 9
Chip resistant: 7
Price: 9
Size of bottle: 7
Trendiness: 8

Would I buy again: Yes :D - See more at: http://www.baobella.com/forum/talkview/is-beige-the-new-it-colour-review-of-elf-nail-polish/show#sthash.tdqCl3wV.dpufIt seems that over the last month or so my love of nail polish's has come back. I went for absolutely ages without having a care in the world, generally because I became quite lazy with the constant upkeep of doing them all the time. Plus I have the problem of quite weak nails that snap all the time (probably not aided by my horrible biting habit) but also through years of wearing acrylics.

Hello ladies,

It seems that over the last month or so my love of nail polish's has come back. I went for absolutely ages without having a care in the world, generally because I became quite lazy with the constant upkeep of doing them all the time. Plus I have the problem of quite weak nails that snap all the time (probably not aided by my horrible biting habit) but also through years of wearing acrylics.

 However, after deciding to receive a manicure just before Christmas as a little treat to myself I've found myself trying to maintain my nail's colourful appearance. Swapping colours, repainting and generally looking out for the different nail colour trends again. Something that I haven't done in absolute forever!

It's quite nice really having something new to look out for and it's amazing how much better your nails do look when painted and looked after. It just makes you feel better as you have something nicer about yourself, especially when receiving compliments from other people about how nice they look. For me, receiving a compliment is something that instantly can brighten my day as I feel like I've taken a bit of a confidence knock as of late and seemed to receive very few anymore. So no matter how small the complement I really do appreciate them!

Anyway, as I was doing a bit of research into nail beauty trends I was browsing on Baobella and came across the competition to win one of the brand new colour's from ELF. As you can probably guess I was one of the very lucky few that did in fact get chosen! To say I was shocked would be putting it lightly! I never win anything! Plus the fact it was a new nail polish - the exact thing I visited the site for to gain new information about - was what I had won!

The wait for the nail polish to arrive was tense to say the least. All I wanted to know was what colour was I gonna get to try out. I'd seen a lot in the media about 'Beige' being the new so-called 'IT' colour and one that everyone was embracing for the spring period. So I did have a sneaky suspicion that Baobella might have been sending me one in that sort of shade. Which was confirmed when I opened my little package to find ELF nail polish in shade 'Desert Haze'. At first I questioned why it was called this, I always associated 'Desert' with yellowy tones. But then I guess when you think of it, most sand is more of a beigey colour anyway and that combined with Haze which reminds me of grey actually suits the colour quite well. (Let me know what you think too)

After my whole minute or so of deliberating the name I couldn't resist whipping out the nail polish remover to take off the previous red colour I had been sporting (in relation to the fact my work uniform is now a red top). So that I could instantly put the Desert Haze shade to good use! It would have been rude not to, don't you agree? I've got to say I'm very pleased with the shade!

In the past I never would have even considered trying such a neutral shade. I would always think either bright, bold or glitter were the only options! But I was pleasently surprised by just how much I loved the trend. It seems I weren't the only one too! I think within a day I had three people compliment me on the colour and ask what one it was! I guess beige really is the new colour trend everyone wants to embrace!

In terms of longevity I will admit there are probably better makes than this one as I will admit this did chip rather easily (within two days). Even with top coat applied. Despite it's claims of being Chip resistant. Then again most nail polishes are prone to chipping these days regardless of their claims?

Regardless, for colour purposes this one is an instant hit! Plus with the cost being so cheap (I looked up the price and it's only £2.50!) So in my opinion you can't really go wrong! Plus it was mega fast drying meaning I didn't have to wait four hours before touching anything for fear of smudging a nail.

Overall Rating out of 10: 8

Colour: 9
Chip resistant: 7
Price: 9
Size of bottle: 7
Trendiness: 8

Would I buy again: Yes :D

Emily x

Read original at: http://www.baobella.com/forum/talkview/is-beige-the-new-it-colour-review-of-elf-nail-polish/show#sthash.tdqCl3wV.dpuf

However, after deciding to receive a manicure just before Christmas as a little treat to myself I've found myself trying to maintain my nail's colourful appearance. Swapping colours, repainting and generally looking out for the different nail colour trends again. Something that I haven't done in absolute forever!

It's quite nice really having something new to look out for and it's amazing how much better your nails do look when painted and looked after. It just makes you feel better as you have something nicer about yourself, especially when receiving compliments from other people about how nice they look. For me, receiving a compliment is something that instantly can brighten my day as I feel like I've taken a bit of a confidence knock as of late and seemed to receive very few anymore. So no matter how small the complement I really do appreciate them!

Anyway, as I was doing a bit of research into nail beauty trends I was browsing on Baobella and came across the competition to win one of the brand new colour's from ELF. As you can probably guess I was one of the very lucky few that did in fact get chosen! To say I was shocked would be putting it lightly! I never win anything! Plus the fact it was a new nail polish - the exact thing I visited the site for to gain new information about - was what I had won!

The wait for the nail polish to arrive was tense to say the least. All I wanted to know was what colour was I gonna get to try out. I'd seen a lot in the media about 'Beige' being the new so-called 'IT' colour and one that everyone was embracing for the spring period. So I did have a sneaky suspicion that Baobella might have been sending me one in that sort of shade. Which was confirmed when I opened my little package to find ELF nail polish in shade 'Desert Haze'. At first I questioned why it was called this, I always associated 'Desert' with yellowy tones. But then I guess when you think of it, most sand is more of a beigey colour anyway and that combined with Haze which reminds me of grey actually suits the colour quite well. (Let me know what you think too)

After my whole minute or so of deliberating the name I couldn't resist whipping out the nail polish remover to take off the previous red colour I had been sporting (in relation to the fact my work uniform is now a red top). So that I could instantly put the Desert Haze shade to good use! It would have been rude not to, don't you agree? I've got to say I'm very pleased with the shade!

In the past I never would have even considered trying such a neutral shade. I would always think either bright, bold or glitter were the only options! But I was pleasently surprised by just how much I loved the trend. It seems I weren't the only one too! I think within a day I had three people compliment me on the colour and ask what one it was! I guess beige really is the new colour trend everyone wants to embrace!

In terms of longevity I will admit there are probably better makes than this one as I will admit this did chip rather easily (within two days). Even with top coat applied. Despite it's claims of being Chip resistant. Then again most nail polishes are prone to chipping these days regardless of their claims?

Regardless, for colour purposes this one is an instant hit! Plus with the cost being so cheap (I looked up the price and it's only £2.50!) So in my opinion you can't really go wrong! Plus it was mega fast drying meaning I didn't have to wait four hours before touching anything for fear of smudging a nail.

Overall Rating out of 10: 8

Colour: 9

Chip resistant: 7

Price: 9

Size of bottle: 7

Trendiness: 8

Would I buy again: Yes :D - See more at: http://www.baobella.com/forum/talkview/is-beige-the-new-it-colour-review-of-elf-nail-polish/show#sthash.tdqCl3wV.dpuf

In terms of longevity I will admit there are probably better makes than this one as I will admit this did chip rather easily (within two days). Even with top coat applied. Despite it's claims of being Chip resistant. Then again most nail polishes are prone to chipping these days regardless of their claims?

Regardless, for colour purposes this one is an instant hit! Plus with the cost being so cheap (I looked up the price and it's only £2.50!) So in my opinion you can't really go wrong! Plus it was mega fast drying meaning I didn't have to wait four hours before touching anything for fear of smudging a nail.

Overall Rating out of 10: 8

Colour: 9
Chip resistant: 7
Price: 9
Size of bottle: 7
Trendiness: 8

Would I buy again: Yes :D - See more at: http://www.baobella.com/forum/talkview/is-beige-the-new-it-colour-review-of-elf-nail-polish/show#sthash.tdqCl3wV.dpuf

In terms of longevity I will admit there are probably better makes than this one as I will admit this did chip rather easily (within two days). Even with top coat applied. Despite it's claims of being Chip resistant. Then again most nail polishes are prone to chipping these days regardless of their claims?

Regardless, for colour purposes this one is an instant hit! Plus with the cost being so cheap (I looked up the price and it's only £2.50!) So in my opinion you can't really go wrong! Plus it was mega fast drying meaning I didn't have to wait four hours before touching anything for fear of smudging a nail.

Overall Rating out of 10: 8

Colour: 9
Chip resistant: 7
Price: 9
Size of bottle: 7
Trendiness: 8

Would I buy again: Yes :D - See more at: http://www.baobella.com/forum/talkview/is-beige-the-new-it-colour-review-of-elf-nail-polish/show#sthash.tdqCl3wV.dpuf

Exercise, Pampering, Coffee and Films - My Good Things in Life.

For once I can genuinely say I've had a lovely day! From what could have turned out to be me moping about all day in some miserable state, I managed to perk up my mood and make sure I was happy. I've realised that only I can truly make a change and if I'm not willing to help myself then I can't seriously expect anyone to help me. 

I initially didn't have all that great of a start. I planned to get up and go to an express Zumba (45 mins) but after going to bed at half 4 in the morning, I think it was pretty safe to say I wasn't going to be making a 9am Zumba class! So luckily I did cancel my place the night before but still set my alarm thinking if I woke up and still wanted to go I'm sure there would have been a space. Either way, when the alarm went off my head was pounding! I had no intentions of getting ready to go to the class. Which I will admit I knew I'd be upset about later on. But I knew for my own health sake I was better off sleeping! So that's exactly what I did. Even when my alarm later went off I still had a headache though. So again I slept for a little bit longer, and longer and yet the headache was still not there. Brilliant. Something was telling me this wasn't sleep related. But being the stubborn person I am I decided rather than taking some painkillers that instead I would sulk. As per. 

Thank god I got my act in gear. After my Mum rung me at about half 12 I decided enough was a enough and I needed to stop driving myself into a depressive state. After a quick call I decided I should at least fix my eyelashes and consider an action plan for the day. This began with some form of exercise. My legs ached, my head hurt but got to say doing Jillian's good old 30 Day Shred always make me feel better. I may hate the thought of enduring squat jumps. rock star jumps and the whole thing really but there's nothing better than finishing it. Although what I don't get is that even though I still feel like I'm working out I don't get the whole 'OMG I'm absolutely dying' feeling anymore. Now this can either mean my fitness has improved (unlikely) or I'm not putting in as much effort (more likely). But anyway normally I'd feel disappointed and feel the need to find more exercise to do. But being good as I know I need to put on weight I refrained myself and told myself it WAS enough! 

To distract myself I then got into contact with a friend who's training to be a masseuse. She asked me if I'd be a case study for her, which of course (even though it's an extreme hard ship having to receive a free full body and Indian head massage) that I would do it! Got to say it was exactly what I needed! I completely relaxed and considering over the last few days I've had aching shoulders, which I'm not sure if it was stress/sleeping dodgy/Body Pump/all 3 related. Was the perfect fix! I could literally feel the tension leaving them and was so nice just shutting off and having me time. Plus being friends with her always helps because we then got to have a good old chat afterwards. Including a trip to Costa for a coffee! Massage and Coffee! My day was getting better!

I couldn't believe that it was actually 6pm by the time I got in. Although I was quite happy that it was evening and time to sit and enjoy some Sunday evening TV entertainment. You can always rely on a channel having a film on and I love it even more when it's one I haven't seen before. Got to say I did enjoy watching Mirror, Mirror. Yes I'm still a child at heart. 

Just goes to show I suppose sometimes the littlest things can make a good night, Exercise, Pampering, Coffee and Films seem to work for me.

Emily x

The Gym Flipped Up

Hello everybody,

Just thought I'd share a little video that has actually made me smile just because it plays on stereotypes so well! My friend (who is a fitness instructor) posted this on their Facebook page and after watching it I can certainly say it's very fitting for anybody who has ever been in a gym or even if you have the imaginary vision from things you've seen in films and on telly! It's certainly comical and even though I've not personally (or at least I don't think I have) been subject to these stereotypes I most definitely know people who do. Have a watch and I'm sure you'll agree...

Hope this made you smile. Although it might be just because I'm a complete and utter fitness addict that this amuses me so much. I dunno.

Emily x

When is enough ever enough?

I feel like I really am losing my mind. I'm realising it more and more how obsessive I am and just how bad it's getting. For the past few weeks I thought my exercise addiction was coming under control. I started getting contempt with just doing 10 minute spurts of workouts that often weren't even making me out of breath. I guess part of that is due to having quite a high fitness level but still you think I might get a little bit hot. Well maybe even if I do I pass it off as the heating, but then again I think that is the case seeing as I live in what can only be described as a home sauna! The best thing is at the time of night I choose to exercise in Leeds at home as well, my room's at it's optimum heat (due to having the radiator and heater at it's peak and on all day) so it's also ridiculously hot too!

But anyway more to the point. I was slowly getting better. If I think back to just a few months ago unless I'd done at least an hour of cardio or equivalent plus Body Pump 4 days in a week I wasn't satisfied! So to now only be doing so little exercise was good for me! I even convinced myself in my head that my body wasn't physically able to complete Jillian Michael Workout 3 30 Day Shred. Even though I know I can, but it was my way of convincing myself to do less exercise. So it would seem that I was really getting over this addiction. Or so I thought.

Well that's until the last few days. I'm realising now that I'm still just as obsessed I'm just not actually doing as much. Yet this is just making me upset and angry. With myself. All because I don't believe I've done ENOUGH exercise. When in reality I've done a perfectly adequate amount for maintaining a normal level of fitness and in comparison to some people far more than they could ever imagine. 

I mean for example today I had planned to do what I call 'light' exercise by attending a Body Pump class and an express one at that! (45 Minute rather than an hour, meaning two tracks at least are usually cut.) I planned to this and then do a 'quick' cardio style boost when I got home after my train back to Essex. (Plus my daily stretches/ab routine that I don't even include anymore as it's just habit and something I've done since I was 14). This should have been satisfactory for me. I was thinking that I would be okay. Well then a spanner was thrown in the works.

Upon arriving at the gym I went and collected my ticket from reception to prove I was booked into the class. Nothing too un-normal apart from the fact normally we can do it at self service but the machine wasn't working properly. So I queued alongside other people inquiring about their memberships plus the other girls planning on doing Body Pump. Then after getting my ticket I strolled through the turn barrier, went upstairs to Studio 2, of which I could hear the instructor talking. All normal. Then just as I strolled through the doors I hear the class coordinator say to the instructor 'We're gonna have to tell them.' That's when I knew something was about to go wrong. 

They were cancelling the class! You can imagine my utmost horror at this revelation! What on earth was I going to do for exercise now?! Due to the time of the class being 12 I knew it was too late for me to enter the normal gym on my membership... not that I was really in the mood for cardio anyway. Which would have been all I would have done because for some reason in my head the only cardio machine in the gym that's even effective is a treadmill. But more to the point. I was now Body Pump less! And the gym's justification... all becasue 'Exams are on!' So hold on one minute. You're cancelling the class because Exams are on! And you haven't known about these exams for over a month!! They said that they didn't realise it was a 3 hour exam or something, but I didn't see anyone in the sports hall so I have no idea where they got that rubbish from. All I knew was they was cancelling my class and I was left without my Body Pump.

To say I was unimpressed and frustrated was nothing. So believe me I expressed my annoyance to the gym. Of which they offered me the compensation of being allowed in the normal gym even though it was out of my membership hours. You think I would have been happy with this but I think the fact that I was desperate to do Body Pump meant that anything else was going to be of disappointment to me. 

Regardless of course I accepted the gym entry. As much as I wasn't up for the gym I knew in my head that if I turned it down I'd be even angrier. So in I trotted and before I knew it, I was on a treadmill. I convinced myself to do 10 minutes and thought somehow in my head that I would have burned about 100 calories by that point. Well it turns out that was an underestimation and half! So of course I kept going and going and as I reached a goal I then set the bar further and further until I eventually stopped after half an hour and 5.35K. Not bad I suppose for someone who hasn't run that distance in a good few months! But even though this would have used to make me feel brilliant about myself. I stepped of the treadmill and still felt utterly disappointed. 

What is wrong with me? I'd just run over 5k! How could I not be happy?

I guess it's just me and no matter what I do anymore I always feel like a let down.

Emily x

Satin Pink Barry M Raspberry Nails Review

As a post exam treat to myself today after what can only be described as an awful experience I decided that I'd go and have a mini manicure at the local beauty salon in the Student Union. After all I felt my nails needed some sort of care after I'd bitten them to pieces in my stress, including biting off half the nail varnish I'd formally had on them! So they certainly were in a bit of a state to say the least! 

Anyway, the beautician filed my nails back into a decent shape and removed the scraps of nail polish I had on my nails previous before asking me to choose a colour to go for. To be honest I wasn't really minding what I had and was quite happy to go for anything. I asked what she recommended and she said she quite liked the current Satin coloured trend. I certainly was game and more than happy to give the trend a go, I knew I'd like it and if I didn't what's the worst to happen. I take the varnish off!

Anyway we went with a reddy pink as she said she could see I was a girly girl (sure my baby pink vest top/cardigan and necklace didn't give that away). So suggested the Barry M Raspberry Nail Paint (No.273). Got to say I love it!

Now I never actually thought about nail salons actually using the 'highstreet' brands within their stores. Usually it's some professional brand that costs an absolute fortune but Barry M is one of them brands that I've been purchasing since being a pre-teen just for home use! But I guess it just proves that sometimes you can get a decent polish for next to nothing. Plus the positive thing is now I know that I can achieve the same look at home!

I will admit that it didn't dry mega fast. And I suspect it won't be long before I notice a chip but when you pay £2.99 for a bottle a little touch up won't hurt!

What do you think of the Satin Nail trend? Do you think any other colour would have been better?

Emily x

Image Source: 
1) Original Image
2) http://www.barrym.com/products/nails/paint/all-nail-paints.html

Happy girly.. yes really!

Well for once I can say I'm happy! Yes you did read that right I'm happy! You're probably thinking, how on earth is that possible? Has she actually lost it? This surely can't be the same girl writing the post! Well rest assured it's me. I genuinely am in a good mood! Now everything in my mind food and exercise wise, plsy work wise (uni) should be making me the complete opposite but for once I just don't care! 

I think it's all down to the fact I've got myself a brand new job!! I never knew such a little thing would really bring my mood up and now I have so much more positivity! I feel like my life is finally starting to get back in order! 

I had an interview this morning for Ladbrokes and really did not think I would get the job! For starters I have never in my life ever set foot in a betting office before in my life! Let alone know what to expect when I got inside one. Well obvious I'm not deluded, I know the basics of how a betting shop worked. But I never imagined it to be quite so... classy. You see in my head a betting office was purely a place old men spent their afternoon's in, watching the racing or football match. Wasting away endless amounts of money on unrealistic odds but it's of course 'gonna be a winner'. But I am pleasantly surprised to say it's nothing like that at all. In fact it's friendly and modern and the stereotypical customer (jn my head that is) isn't true at all. 

Yes of course you do still get old men and the image of the 'drunk' that will be in them, but you also get men barely older than me. Going along to watch the football like they would in a bar, except without the alcohol of course. But that's not to say you can't have tea/coffee or any soft drink of choice. And if you're anyone like me who doesn't feel the need to drink at every single opportunity, would probably actually quite like this! A social occasion, watching your favourite team/ athlete/ racer, with your mates (or even just chatting with others in there) and actually appreciating your television viewing as you're not getting yourself hammered in the process!

Plus the inside of the store, visually is nothing like I was expecting. It's modern and somewhere you'd actually want to spend a bit of time in. Comfortable stools and arm chairs, large plasma screens, highly technological rolling poster boards, plus a rather plush coffee machine area! (Always something that will win me over). Plus also options to play other games that I wasn't aware of, such as using the in game/slot style machines and the tablet section connected to the Ladbrokes online site. So it seems the traditional betting office is long gone and we're now in an era of multi-media options and a variety of gaming options. And I thought this job was going to be dull and boring!

Seeing how nice it was in store made me all the more wanting to actually work there! I was thinking of it as just being a job to keep me going while at uni and hopefully not sod this one up! But after visiting a store it actually seems like somewhere I might enjoy and be able to socialize while at work. I could even end up having fun! (I bet I won't be saying that after working there for a month or two though... but we can live in hope!)

Anyway as you can probably work out! I got the job!!! I am now an official employee at one of the city centre stores in Leeds and I couldn't be happier! To think I wasn't actually even going to go to the interview either as I wasn't confident about getting the bus to where the interview was being held and came to the conclusion that I wouldn't get the job anyway so why bother? Well I'm so glad that I convinced myself to go!

Just goes to show that maybe good things do come along...

Emily x

Crunchy Nut Calm

Today it seems is the first day I've really actually listened and made any progress. By this I mean eating wise. I seem to finally have got my act together. Let me explain.

Those of you that have read my blog before will know that I have an eating disorder. I'm not anorexic in the sense that I starve myself or restrict my calories to ridiculous numbers. But I do monitor and limit my food. I'm also very OCD about the times that I will eat and any change in my routine either sees me throwing a tantrum or becoming extremely panicky. Usually resulting in me getting myself all wound up, upset and stressed out! It's more when it's impulsive as well that I seem to get even worse.

Now today I actually in a way beat my fear. (Kind of anyway) and it's all thanks to Kellogg's Crunchy Nut Chocolate! You see for some reason today I just cannot stop eating this! It all started when out of the blue, this morning at about 12pm I decided impulsively that I would take a couple of the chocolate pieces out of the cereal box. Okay I would usually feel a little guilty but would get over it and assume that I would just add these on with something else I knew I would be eating later on that day. But for some unknown reason I then had some of the actual Crunchy Nut cereal as well. I then decided later on in the evening that because I'd eaten about 10 grams of the cereal I might as well use up some of my snacks allowance on having a full portion of the cereal. So after weighing this out I then put it in a bowl and planned to have it as part of my snacks (usually eaten from about quarter to 2 in the morning onwards.

But for some reason after doing a Jillian Michael's with my Mum (which I only did Level 2 of!) so not challenging at all!!! (And I'm not being sarcastic.. for once!) I decided I was actually going to eat the cereal portion then! And I didn't feel too bad about it either! This was after me panicking over so many stupid things earlier on in the day such as the fact I'd been out for a coffee with my Mum and aunt at lunch! You're think nothing unusual there then, well you're right! /But for some reason I had a little worry because I knew I was going out with my Nan and Grandad later on it that day too! Usually this involves a coffee as well! But I accepted in my head it's okay, even if you have two skinny cappuccinos you'll be fine. As it turns out, me and the Grandparents never ended up going for coffee in the end anyway! So that was a little worry over nothing!

But then I also got stressy over dinner! You see I had planned to have Chicken with my Mum and Dad as it needed using up. Then my Mum decided she wanted to put a marinade on hers so was looking at the sauces and packet mixes. For some reason I had a stress out over this too as the packet said for 4 chicken breasts and we would have been using three and I then couldn't automatically work out the nutrition! OMG what has my life become?! But anyway I then managed to get over that, once I spent ages trying to work it out and eventually realising the marinade wouldn't even be coming to 60 calories! 

So it makes you wonder how I didn't stress out over eating a ridiculously high fat cereal! Especially as the fact that I just couldn't stop and kept going back for more and more! I think the reason maybe I've dealt so well with accepting it is partly because I know deep down I do need to gain weight! Plus I need to get the doctors/uni/society of my back! But also because I've insisted in my head that I didn't eat as much as I did. You see for once I never weighed it! Truth be told I think eating it straight from the box was the best thing as now I've just had to estimate! And I know on my tracker I would have been underestimating... by quite a lot. Partly because I wanted to make myself eat more and I knew this would be the only way of conquering my fear. But also I think I knew this wasn't going to hurt me! In fact it will probably barely impact my body at all. Even if it does it will be good for it! I need to gain weight!

I think I'm only just realising how much I do and the warning from uni has been the kick up the bum I need!

Let's hope nothing makes me fall back. Which we all know is all too common. Especially in me.

Emily x

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

All I can say is today has been a day of what only can be described as ups and downs. I feel like for everything that went right there was always a negative side to it. Or at least that's how it feels in my head anyway. Let me explain.

It kinda carried on from yesterday really. You see I don't know why, well I thought I kind of did but I'm sure my poor eating habits aren't the only thing to blame. But anyway whether it was that alone, the fact I'm suffering a bit from insomnia and the fact I may still slightly be in New York time. But anyway I was up all night. And when I mean all I mean I was awake until at least quarter past 6! That's without dozing or even yawning for the most part! I'm talking so wide awake I could have probably gone for a full on 5k run! So this was obviously not good at all! Especially when I'd planned to get up at a more sensible time so that I could actually start on my dossier! 

I bet you can guess what came next now then. You're thinking 'Ahh so she's gonna go on a rant about how she ended up procrastinating and not doing any work all day'. Well in one way yes you're right. But I did in fact start watching my BBC clips! Wait for it.... at 5 in the morning! I guess I finally did something sensible in my life for once. I used my time productively! If I wasn't going to sleep then I might as well do something half beneficial. Plus I think I kind of secretly hoped it would bore me so much I'd fall asleep!

Well after watching a whole hour, I was surprisingly still wide awake. But at least I was yawning and felt like I might finally get some sort of sleep! Which to my joy I did at quarter past 6ish! So not only before I'd technically even woken up, started my dossier work and did get some sleep! Plus it got even better! My Mum booked me in to a Body Pump class for this evening! This day should have been amazing!!

But was it? Well not all of it. I won't exactly say it was the worst day, because believe me it certainly wasn't! By my standards it was pretty good! But of course there is always something that had to go wrong. 

Well you could say the fact I then never got up again until half 12 was partly to do with that. Which only happened because my Nan rung asking when I wanted to go shopping. (I'd asked them the day before to take me into Basildon so I could take a coat back and I was secretly hoping for a trip to Starbucks! What a girl needs her caffeine fix! And.. I'm only 4 stars from being a Gold Member! Yes I do drink that much coffee!) 

Tragus Piercing!!!

So you're still thinking the reason I'm saying I had a bad day is because I clearly haven't done the work I set out to do. Which yes is the honest answer. I had a lovely time shopping, not only did I successfully return my coat with no problems, I also got my Starbucks. Okay admittedly I was actually a little disappointed in my Starbucks as it just didn't taste as good as it normally does. But that still was no worry. And guess what.. I even faced my fears and got my tragus pierced! At sodding last! I only went up to Bananas to enquire a price, expecting them to say something expensive and ridiculous but when they said £15 and my Nan offered to pay I knew I did have to have it done. Or else I knew I never would! And I've got to say I love it! Yes it hurt, yes it required me to eat something before I got it done! (And I did it, as much as I protested at first) But I did it!

So not even that brought be down! I mean I then had a brilliant Body Pump class! Which I cannot wait to brag to a certain someone about as soon as the opportunity arises! With a secret smugness that I managed to up my squat weight too! And without having done it in about 3 weeks! Ahh everything was going to well! 

I  guess it all really came down to my lack of motivation to work! I know I need to do it and I just can't. I feel like a failure every time I try and that's why it's the ugly! The ugly is the state that my mindset is in! The fact I can't bare to even begin my work. It's now only 10 days till it's due in and I still haven't even really started. (Until I put pen to paper it doesn't count!) 

I just need some motivation. Something to force me to. But nothing will! I could be in an empty room with absolutely nothing else and still would find myself doing something else than the work!

Why am I so useless?!!! Or more to the point, why will I never let myself have a day where I'm happy?

Emily x