Those of you that have read my blog before will know that I have an eating disorder. I'm not anorexic in the sense that I starve myself or restrict my calories to ridiculous numbers. But I do monitor and limit my food. I'm also very OCD about the times that I will eat and any change in my routine either sees me throwing a tantrum or becoming extremely panicky. Usually resulting in me getting myself all wound up, upset and stressed out! It's more when it's impulsive as well that I seem to get even worse.
Now today I actually in a way beat my fear. (Kind of anyway) and it's all thanks to Kellogg's Crunchy Nut Chocolate! You see for some reason today I just cannot stop eating this! It all started when out of the blue, this morning at about 12pm I decided impulsively that I would take a couple of the chocolate pieces out of the cereal box. Okay I would usually feel a little guilty but would get over it and assume that I would just add these on with something else I knew I would be eating later on that day. But for some unknown reason I then had some of the actual Crunchy Nut cereal as well. I then decided later on in the evening that because I'd eaten about 10 grams of the cereal I might as well use up some of my snacks allowance on having a full portion of the cereal. So after weighing this out I then put it in a bowl and planned to have it as part of my snacks (usually eaten from about quarter to 2 in the morning onwards.
But for some reason after doing a Jillian Michael's with my Mum (which I only did Level 2 of!) so not challenging at all!!! (And I'm not being sarcastic.. for once!) I decided I was actually going to eat the cereal portion then! And I didn't feel too bad about it either! This was after me panicking over so many stupid things earlier on in the day such as the fact I'd been out for a coffee with my Mum and aunt at lunch! You're think nothing unusual there then, well you're right! /But for some reason I had a little worry because I knew I was going out with my Nan and Grandad later on it that day too! Usually this involves a coffee as well! But I accepted in my head it's okay, even if you have two skinny cappuccinos you'll be fine. As it turns out, me and the Grandparents never ended up going for coffee in the end anyway! So that was a little worry over nothing!
But then I also got stressy over dinner! You see I had planned to have Chicken with my Mum and Dad as it needed using up. Then my Mum decided she wanted to put a marinade on hers so was looking at the sauces and packet mixes. For some reason I had a stress out over this too as the packet said for 4 chicken breasts and we would have been using three and I then couldn't automatically work out the nutrition! OMG what has my life become?! But anyway I then managed to get over that, once I spent ages trying to work it out and eventually realising the marinade wouldn't even be coming to 60 calories!
So it makes you wonder how I didn't stress out over eating a ridiculously high fat cereal! Especially as the fact that I just couldn't stop and kept going back for more and more! I think the reason maybe I've dealt so well with accepting it is partly because I know deep down I do need to gain weight! Plus I need to get the doctors/uni/society of my back! But also because I've insisted in my head that I didn't eat as much as I did. You see for once I never weighed it! Truth be told I think eating it straight from the box was the best thing as now I've just had to estimate! And I know on my tracker I would have been underestimating... by quite a lot. Partly because I wanted to make myself eat more and I knew this would be the only way of conquering my fear. But also I think I knew this wasn't going to hurt me! In fact it will probably barely impact my body at all. Even if it does it will be good for it! I need to gain weight!
I think I'm only just realising how much I do and the warning from uni has been the kick up the bum I need!
Let's hope nothing makes me fall back. Which we all know is all too common. Especially in me.
Emily x
