The one beyond help...

It's gotten to that stage where I don't even know how to describe how I'm feeling anymore. My moods are so up and down I go from being in a state of calmness, like I am right at this second, to 10 seconds later being upset, 10 seconds later - low, 10 seconds - angry, 10 seconds - scared. I think you get the idea. I just never know what to think of myself anymore. But all I know is that I am not right. I am not normal. I am no where near able to consider myself like everyone else. I am a mess. And that's being kind to myself. My god was I seriously... complimentary.. of myself! 

But today I've realised a lot of things. No matter how much I tell myself that I'm trying to improve. That I'm slowly and surely getting better. That my mind is becoming more stable and my moods improving. Plus my body getting healthier too. I now know this is all one big lie. I'm lying to myself. I'm not getting better. If anything I fear that I'm going backwards. In fact I know I am. I'm becoming more ill. More ill in the head. I lack any control and the things I love are hurting me. I now fear the things I love. I now fear to be who I used to be. I am not normal. The worrying thing is. I don't know if I want to be either. 

Now you may say there is nothing wrong with wanting to be an individual. But I am obsessed. And from things I'm obsessed with I now know I'm not alone. But these are the same things that are making me worse. I almost want to be worse than them. Yet at the same time better. How does this work? I guess the truth is I don't even know what I want anymore and I'm not sure if I care either. In fact the way I'm going, I don't think it will matter anyway. I'm not going to get better. Deep down I know that's the truth. It's because I know in all honesty I don't want to get better. I like the fact I'm slowly declining as it gives me a reason to accept why I'm a failure. 

Everyone says to me that when I'm better my whole attitude will change. Everyone says as soon as my moods balance out, my body returns to health, that in myself I will be happier. Have a more positive outlook at life and maybe will achieve what I truly want. But thinking about it, why should I? Why should I make myself happy? I don't deserve it. And what's to say even if my 'mind' magically does improve to 'normal' that I will actually be happier and not a failure. Maybe the only true way for me to achieve anything is to change what I want to achieve. And I know that the one thing I'm good at is being miserable, upset, low, and obsessive. So why not specialize in that? But of course this doesn't make me happy either. The opposite in fact.

I feel I'm not even making sense. But I think that's because I don't even make sense to myself. I have no control over my life anymore. I am being controlled. By a force that is twisted and telling me that I'm a mess. My mind is one big blur and a constant state of confusion. I know what I should do to really help myself but I refuse to allow myself that help. I don't deserve help and maybe I like not being helped. Maybe I like the sense of constantly being a let down. At least if I'm disappointed in myself it makes it all the easier for other people to be disappointed in me too.

I realise this post is extremely negative. I never intended to be so negative. Not this week. I planned for any blog posts this week to be one of my strength and recovery. Seeing as it's National Eating Disorder Awareness week and I wanted to be able to write about how well I've done to overcome such a serious mental illness. But even if I don't see it as bad a mental illness as I had before and see other mental problems being more of the cause, as much as others say it's just an eating problem. I know I'm not well. If I was really well I wouldn't have the sense of self loave in me. I wouldn't be as obsessive with my eating times. I wouldn't love exercise so much that if I don't do it I hate myself to the point I find it hard to eat. Well I don't. Which is all the more problem as I won't let myself eat before I've decided it's the appropriate time. So if I betray this I feel I let myself down and then resent myself. So I guess this is a form of an eating disorder.

So I think we've concluded I'm not sound in the head. I'm not getting any better and if I'm honest I don't want to either. I like being the one that people look at with despair. Otherwise I'd simply fade into the background and have no excuse for being the state and mess I am. So no I'm not recovered and no I have no intentions of dramatically changing. I guess eventually I'll get what's coming to me and will eventually disappear. Which by then I'll be simply known as the girl who refused to be helped. 

Emily x

Image Source: http://my-purple-dreams.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/when-are-you-due.html

Crunchy Nut Calm

Today it seems is the first day I've really actually listened and made any progress. By this I mean eating wise. I seem to finally have got my act together. Let me explain.

Those of you that have read my blog before will know that I have an eating disorder. I'm not anorexic in the sense that I starve myself or restrict my calories to ridiculous numbers. But I do monitor and limit my food. I'm also very OCD about the times that I will eat and any change in my routine either sees me throwing a tantrum or becoming extremely panicky. Usually resulting in me getting myself all wound up, upset and stressed out! It's more when it's impulsive as well that I seem to get even worse.

Now today I actually in a way beat my fear. (Kind of anyway) and it's all thanks to Kellogg's Crunchy Nut Chocolate! You see for some reason today I just cannot stop eating this! It all started when out of the blue, this morning at about 12pm I decided impulsively that I would take a couple of the chocolate pieces out of the cereal box. Okay I would usually feel a little guilty but would get over it and assume that I would just add these on with something else I knew I would be eating later on that day. But for some unknown reason I then had some of the actual Crunchy Nut cereal as well. I then decided later on in the evening that because I'd eaten about 10 grams of the cereal I might as well use up some of my snacks allowance on having a full portion of the cereal. So after weighing this out I then put it in a bowl and planned to have it as part of my snacks (usually eaten from about quarter to 2 in the morning onwards.

But for some reason after doing a Jillian Michael's with my Mum (which I only did Level 2 of!) so not challenging at all!!! (And I'm not being sarcastic.. for once!) I decided I was actually going to eat the cereal portion then! And I didn't feel too bad about it either! This was after me panicking over so many stupid things earlier on in the day such as the fact I'd been out for a coffee with my Mum and aunt at lunch! You're think nothing unusual there then, well you're right! /But for some reason I had a little worry because I knew I was going out with my Nan and Grandad later on it that day too! Usually this involves a coffee as well! But I accepted in my head it's okay, even if you have two skinny cappuccinos you'll be fine. As it turns out, me and the Grandparents never ended up going for coffee in the end anyway! So that was a little worry over nothing!

But then I also got stressy over dinner! You see I had planned to have Chicken with my Mum and Dad as it needed using up. Then my Mum decided she wanted to put a marinade on hers so was looking at the sauces and packet mixes. For some reason I had a stress out over this too as the packet said for 4 chicken breasts and we would have been using three and I then couldn't automatically work out the nutrition! OMG what has my life become?! But anyway I then managed to get over that, once I spent ages trying to work it out and eventually realising the marinade wouldn't even be coming to 60 calories! 

So it makes you wonder how I didn't stress out over eating a ridiculously high fat cereal! Especially as the fact that I just couldn't stop and kept going back for more and more! I think the reason maybe I've dealt so well with accepting it is partly because I know deep down I do need to gain weight! Plus I need to get the doctors/uni/society of my back! But also because I've insisted in my head that I didn't eat as much as I did. You see for once I never weighed it! Truth be told I think eating it straight from the box was the best thing as now I've just had to estimate! And I know on my tracker I would have been underestimating... by quite a lot. Partly because I wanted to make myself eat more and I knew this would be the only way of conquering my fear. But also I think I knew this wasn't going to hurt me! In fact it will probably barely impact my body at all. Even if it does it will be good for it! I need to gain weight!

I think I'm only just realising how much I do and the warning from uni has been the kick up the bum I need!

Let's hope nothing makes me fall back. Which we all know is all too common. Especially in me.

Emily x

New Year 'Challenges'

It seems that as of late when I do find the time to actually write a post because I'm not being depressive/obsessive/anxious/ (insert whatever bad mood seems appropriate here) phase, that I'm now no longer writing a beauty blog. I know that I always write something linked to my problems and personal journey through my obsession, my confusion, my denial I guess. Which is why I feel that going into 2014 that I should at least redefine what this blog is officially categorized as. This is a personal 'recovery' blog. My so-called personal journey through overcoming my obsessions and I guess you could say illness. Or at least that's how I like to think of it. Because most illnesses CAN be overcome. And that's exactly what I want to do. I'm fed up with  it ruling my life. So I wonder if maybe this year I will actually stop it from controlling and defining who I am. 

I know it's stereotypical so I'm not going to give myself 'New Year's Resolutions' as I feel labeling it that is setting myself up for failure. So let's call them 'challenges' as they seem more realistic in a way. So these are my challenges for the year:

• To smile about at least one thing everyday. I need to remember life isn't that bad. My life isn't a constant hole of dread. I do have things to be happy about and shouldn't let all the negative things constantly rule it. 
• To start working towards what I want to achieve. I need to stop procrastinating and moaning how much of  a failure I am. By doing so I know that I will actually move closer to my goal. 
• Try and overcome my obsessions. This one I know will be the hardest. I know I will probably struggle as I'm not well. I do need help and I have a lot of fears. But if I can overcome some of them then it's a step in the right direction right?

I'm kind of afraid to write anymore as I know that my list is actually pretty endless. So if I write too many down then I will be setting myself up for failure because let's face it, nobody is superhuman.

I guess what I need to remember is that no one else can make these changes but me. So that's exactly what I intend to do. 

I hope.

Emily x

Image not my own.