Now I know we all have bad days but why do I seem to feel like I always have more than most? Is there something majorly wrong with me? I admit it. I failed in my aim to be positive this month. I'm sorry to all my readers. I did make you a promise and I never achieved my goal. I guess deep down I knew I wouldn't last. I think I've known it from the very off. I'm just not a positive person and tend to see the negative in everything. Which I know is wrong. I know I need to stop being so down all the time but I don't know how to stop myself from feeling like this. Well actually I do and that's why I'm going to make a change.
You must be thinking, 'she says this all the time'. Which yes I do. But this time I'm getting proper help. I thought it's best that I tell yous all first as I really don't know how this is going to effect me or what I'm going to turn out like. Let's hope for the better and I suddenly gain a new lease of life. But to be honest you never can tell. But fingers crossed it will all be good. Anyway I've actually gotten round to doing what I've known for about 8 months I needed to do. I've booked myself a doctors appointment for Tuesday and with any luck they may be able to help me stop feeling so low all the time!
I do believe I may be depressed. Either that or I have severe anxiety/stress/OCD. Well in fact I have all of those two. Plus I know I still have eating issues as well, not so much in the sense that I've got an actual disorder but I'm still conscious. I guess it's something that I probably always will be though ever since my eating disorder when I was fourteen. But that's a whole other story. Connected to this. Possibly. The entire reason for this.Not even the slightest.
I'm hoping my going to see the doctor on Tuesday they might be able to offer me some sort of antidepressant. I know they say that antidepressants are a last resort but I really have tried everything else. I've tried counselling I've tried hypnotherapy. I've tried herbal remedies of all kinds. I've spoken to endless amounts of people and they're not making me any better. I need something to actually give me a boost! And let's fact it, how many people in the world do actually take them? Thousands. If not millions. They're not abnormal! And I won't be abnormal for having them. If anything they will be making me normal!
So I guess we'll just have to wait and see how I get on. I really hope they see how much I need them. It really is a case of need. Of course I will listen to their suggestions and discuss alternatives, but I really can't see any other alternative right now. So keep your fingers crossed for me!
Emily x
PS: If anyone else is in the same situation or had similar experiences or anything. I'd really appreciate some ideas and advice. Equally I'm happy to discuss my own experiences too!
I'm here for you, if you need me! I have severe OCD, as well as Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It's rough, and it may disrupt your life. But you'll make it through. Stay strong, gorgeous!
ReplyDelete♥emma
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Thank you so much Emma! It really means a lot to hear you say that! It's amazing how many people are effected by these disorders as since I've started telling people the amount that have said they've had similar experiences! I just hope that I can get the help I need x
ReplyDeleteHiya Emily! Reading this, I'll tell you I've been there too!! So you're not alone, and I'll be supporting you 100%. It does take a certain strength to pull yourself out of a rut, and it is in no way an easy process, but you'll get there because you have people behind you cheering you on! I hope you'll see life's sunshine soon! In the meantime, try not to worry about things that can be worked out! That was always my biggest issue (and still is!)! I'd have panic attack after panic attack about things that, in the end, could be resolved without a problem. The doctors will help you, don't hold back when you're in there, just tell them everything and you will be well on your way to positivity!
ReplyDeleteYou're doing well love!
Ash x
Hey Ashley, thank you so much for your support! You have no idea how much it means to me to have someone looking out for me! I hope you're right and things do improve, which now I've gotten some help will hopefully happen. I always think I'm gonna struggle like you said but just want to stop being perminantly miserable. I did tell the doctor loads and they did actually listen which I'm pleased as at least it means someone is willing to help. Let's just hope it works x
DeleteHi Emily,
ReplyDeleteI have Panic Disorder, which is a specific breed of anxiety disorder that means I am prone to Panic Attacks.
Mental health is really facilitated by self-awareness and negotiation. The fact that you have acknowledged that you need help and past solutions haven't worked is important. It's also fantastic that you have been very deliberate about what you try and which steps you plan to take. I, too, was very hesitant about stepping towards drugs to combat my anxiety/panic. I specifically asked that I be treated by someone who wouldn't jump to medicate me, and I made sure during my first session with the therapist that I told her that in my mind, medication was a step I was not willing to take until I felt sure therapy alone was not a viable solution. I think you have to be willing to negotiate with yourself, because if you set too many boundaries that you staunchly maintain despite the advice of professionals, you set yourself up for failure. Since that time, I have realized that my body, in addition to needing therapy, needs medication. I decided that for the sake of my quality of life, that I want to get the medication that would act as those chemicals that my body fails to produce that are intended to shut down my body's over-active alarm system. I am not on medication yet, as my therapist is down by my uni and I won't return to that area until Saturday, but I am quite sure that this is the next step for me on the path to health :)
I think it is also very important to find support from people with the same or similar challenges who are dealing with it in healthy, constructive ways. It is really a positive thing that I have people who understand what I am going through and have gone through it at different points in their lives. It's almost like going shopping with friends, where even if you're all out looking for dresses for the same event, you all have different bodies and skin tones and preferences. Even though you might all end up with varying dresses it is important to have people to bounce ideas and thoughts off of and who can tell you when you can't see your butt that it looks terrible in the dress and will help support you when you come to a decision and make you feel more comfortable with the proper solution.
I also am very frank when I talk to friends about what it is like when I have an attack. For me, I often cannot talk, or have a hard time speaking, but texting or chatting via internet is a huge help because it keeps me grounded. I have other friends who have explained how they are best handled in times of high stress or anxiety. One friend likes to be physically comforted, another is triggered/set-off if she is touched. Having those conversations with your close friends helps them better understand how to support you, and it also requires that you work toward understanding things that make you feel better :)
I also learned that a hormone deficiency was making me depressed-- which never actually looked like depression in terms of sadness, but made me feel hopeless about school and actually pushed me towards escapist behavior like binging on television programs so I could avoid the realities I felt so hopeless about. When I got blood tested for it, they were able to get me a synthetic version of the hormone I was missing and I soon was sleeping at better hours, and feeling better about the world. In addition, vitamin deficiencies also contributed to poor mood and memory. You mentioned you had an eating disorder in the past, so you might consider vitamins. Your body stores vitamins in fat for long term use, so you may want to supplement the vitamins you are getting in food since your body may not be storing them as well as it needs to.
If you ever need someone to talk to, you can contact me as we are facebook friends :) You can also reach out if you want my email/skype/mobile. I hope this was helpful!